We’ve got Generation X, Generation Y, and Generation Ranch. I don’t know exactly when putting salad dressing on everything (except freaking salads) became a thing, but in the last ten years Ranch Dressing has become nearly as ubiquitous as Ketchup, especially for anyone under the age of 25. And personally, I blame 9/11.
No, wait; hear me out. 9/11 caused a fundamental shift in American consciousness. In short, the traumatic events of that day caused people in the US to lose their mother fucking minds; common sense gave way to common safety, facts that were inconvenient got brushed aside, and a significant portion of the nation started cramming fistfuls of 'MERKAN food into their faces as a coping mechanism to deal with the embarrassment of a few cave-dwelling dipshits figuring out a way to kill 3000 of our own.
And since this happened around the same time people started going crazy with dipping their Freedom Fries into this goop, one can’t help but draw the connection. Actually, that’s not true; this is a complete stretch and we both know it. But believing that fundamentalist Muslims from Saudi Arabia were working with an anti-theocratic, secular dictator whose personal hero was Joseph Stalin and who also wanted to kick the crap out of Saudi Arabia, is as idiotic as thinking it’s a good idea to smear salted fatsplooge all over everything you eat.
Think of the Children
Nope, this is not Hidden Valley Youth Camp
The kids who’re coming out of the poop-chute of our public school system in the next few years will have consumed enough Ranch that their blood will be used to grease the tanks of the Chinese army when they finally come for all the females they mistakenly exported like so many iPhones.
People who know me personally have probably heard me refer to this substance as “Fail Sauce”. Honestly, I hope term will catch on and become common in casual conversation around the family dinner table:
So Wendy, are you really going to smother those chicken nuggets in Fail Sauce? What the hell is wrong with you Wendy? Jesus, do you want to be a giant fatass and have everyone in your pre-school class make fun of you?
Ok, maybe not to that extent, but it’s a good term anyway.
You’re a dick if you laughed at that and should feel bad about yourself
Brass Tacks
Ranch Dressing isn’t bad because it’s 99% fat. I won’t go into the fats vs. carbs debate here, but I’ll just say that bacon isn’t responsible for the Holocaust as some people operating on dietary knowledge from the 1970’s would have you believe. Our bodies are set up to consume fat because it’s a very efficient source of energy. Our ancestors, who hadn’t yet invented Death Metal, used to literally suck the marrow out of the bones of their prey, just to get at the fat content.
No, Ranch Dressing is “bad” because it’s one of the most calorie-dense food(ish) substances out there; it’s up there with ice cream and the tears of your enemies. As you can see, two tablespoons of the stuff has as many calories as a fuckbucket of broccoli. (By the way, if you eat broccoli by the bucket, send us an email).
Serving size: two chicken nuggets’ worth
On top of that, it’s generally made with soybean oil. For those of you who don’t know, soybeans contain Phytoestrogens which have been linked to gynomastica and Katherine Heigl movies and One Direction and Aikido.
But… it’s not Ranch Dressing’s fault people eat it!
Yes, that’s a watermark, who the hell would pay for this image?
Oh yeah, guess what?
You’re goddamn right it’s not Ranch Dressing’s fault. It’s the fault of people who are too lazy or stupid (lupid?) to bother figuring out whether something they’re shoving into their face is good for them.
That’s right, there’s no nefarious conspiracy coming out of the bad guys’ secret lair in Hidden Valley. There’s no goddamn excuse in the Information Age to not know that unrestricted use of this salad grease on everything you eat is bad for you. It’s on the goddamn bottles, and the common “tablespoon” serving size isn’t tough to figure out either.
That is, if you’re an adult.
Kids, however, don’t know any better, they only know “whee this tastes good give me more”. Because they’re kids, and their brains aren’t developed to the point they can process long-term consequences for short-term actions.
Children, raising children
Adults, however, are supposed to be in possession of the greatest computing device on the planet, one which can all but literally see into the future and plot multiple different plans of action based on the possible outcomes of a particular choice.
Unfortunately, a significant portion of the people so warmly ensconced in the relative comfort of the First World, aren’t adults. They’re old children. They want whatever feels good, tastes good, or seems good, regardless of whether or not it actually is good.
And the reason for this? Because stupidity is no longer the fatal condition it once was.
Everyone here is the product of ancestors who survived dinosaurs, floods, meteors, volcanoes, tidal waves, famines war, disease, and themselves, to spawn you on this floating rock.
But thanks to modern medicine, we’re no longer weeding out people capable of doing this without the help of a few responsible and capable people who actually make shit happen by providing laws and medicine and roads and tires and drive-through restaurants. Is it any wonder why some of us daydream about a zombie apocalypse? That’s because it’s guaranteed to weed out all the marginally-functional, mouth-breathing assholes who wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for those of us who can do math, build things, and make good decisions in general.
So no, Ranch Dressing isn’t really the Douchebag of the Month. But we can only write so many articles about why Dumbasses are the Douchebags of the Month.