What are you listening to?

have a lot on my plate with nutrition coaching certification, so slowing down to be thorough. Spent christmas cooking new food and seeing friends and connecting with people again. This year has been testing on reflection, but a lot of growth has occured and even more has been enabled. This is the last qualification relating to PT that is on my to do list, and afterwards, when I hit my client target, I will be looking to build my animation business again.

Novel is close to done, I took a break for a few months to refine ideas while I sorted my life out. Happier with some of the changes that came from leaving it be for a while. Nothing major, just some emotional beats got refined and a few expansions on character moments I felt were necessary.

This next year I’m going to try to put on as much muscle mass as I can over 12 months as a test to myself, even with my increased HRT.

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With our blood cuddles and piggy-back kisses

We make the beast with two backs and nothing ever misses

Gušim se na zraku
Gubim te iz vida
Netko nas je lago
A to ja nisam bila

Penjem se visoko
Padam u četri zida
Ovaj život nije
Doli sistem sila

yes i have started JJK, no I will not take this off repeat


the start of the new year has led to deep reflections on a lot of topics. What kind of year do I want? What experiences, relationships and achievements am I looking for? Recent revelations as my care has progressed has allowed me to realize that I have been far my vulnerable to certain types of mindsets than I realized, and now that I have climbed the highest mountains to my personal freedom and out of overwhelming stress through action, I now sit at a height where the relieved load is like being outside of the world’s gravitational pull and I am now drifting with no direction or sense of purpose.

This will be a year for mental health, deciding on my new direction and maybe coasting for a while as I tackle a few deeply personal goals: better mental health, better physical health and overall wellbeing. Maybe one or two of my planned trips abroad to hit the bucket list.

training this year is going to be a mix of judo, that lethwei inspired art and daito ryu with the occasional HEMA.

I don’t remember pain
But I see it in your face
Memories like falling rain
Some are gone but you remain

Longing just to not be gone
Calling out to you for so long
Longing just to not be gone
Screaming from beyond

I know it feels unfair
But I am here, I’m everywhere
If you empty out your mind
You will learn to read the signs
You will know the way
You will see it in everything
I am here to stay
I am with you every day

In a few days I get the quote for my last surgery if all goes to plan. Over a decade of saving and struggling to get here, but I may have tracked my budget accurately enough to get over the line. I’m on pins but also feeling lost. After finally getting this… what then?

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quote is in for ffs. Slightly higher than my budget but not unrealistic to save for. Happy to know it can be done at last.

Currently smashing a few personal goals and got a client in a few hours. Getting back on the healthier eating

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Blood trickles down through histories

Given your sentence, you’re handed the snakes of the divine

Suffer the scourge by the powers invested in night

Running the course of the wolves and they’re killing our kind

I’ve been spending some time really chilling out lately. I think Im in a phase of my life where I should slow down a bit on some things now that the entire 2023 has caught up on me with just how much my life has changed.

My flatmate is moving back in soon, which is nice. Company has been good for me.

I’ve been watching through DVD’s and videos I can find online of different styles I wanted to learn more about and I am genuinely surprised with how a group of kung fu guys I used to know made out Bagua was the super ultimate hardest martial art that nearly made their instructor quit training, when I watch the Yin series 64 attack methods, and I go ‘that’s from Judo’ ‘seen that in jujutsu’ ‘seen that in karate’ etc. I’m genuinely of the mindset that while i do find ideas I dont usually see that are typically just variations of other things I’ve done before (which, when you’ve done striking and grappling, I think a lot of stuff starts to enter that ballpark after a while), demystification of traditional arts will only happen when superfluous training methods are removed and application focus is attained.

I’m really enjoying Adam Hsu’s Baji Thunder series at the moment.

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This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

I now have a housemate again. Two new clients, novel progress and Im making progress on my transition. My cortisol levels from stress might be impacting my hrt outcomes. Looks like the plan to coast for a bit and relax may actually have been the right move all along

Twirling 'round with this familiar parable
Spinning, weaving 'round each new experience
Recognize this as a holy gift and
Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing
A chance to be alive and breathing

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

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super-villain A.K.A the thong bitin’, thats inviting all
To the recitin’ thats dope and raw
Hoping all y’all come in peace and its open bar

Tear the roof off this bumba raasclaat
By the end of the night spaz like shazbot

Looking at how Im going to move my business into purely online PT going forward. I’m going to bust my ass for six months on this

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