The Worst Techniques I've Ever Been Taught

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I presume your villain is modern “Western” civilisation? Wrong, I’m afraid: Humans have caused massive extinctions for milennia (c.f. mastodons, woolly mammoths, American horses, various giant flightless birds, etc. etc.) as well as environmental devastation (c.f. the Mediterranean basin, the deforestation of Easter Island, and various instances of soil depletion and erosion since the invention of agriculture).

But don’t feel bad. Humans aren’t the first or the worst ecological fiends. When cyanobacteria first transformed ours into an oxygen-rich atmosphere, life must have been quite nearly wiped out – free oxygen is, after all, quite toxic to unprotected cells. (As it happens, life adapted to tolerate atmospheric oxygen, after a while.)

I think I’ll go with Spider-man’s Uncle Ben on this one and say that “with great power comes great responsibility”. Like cyanobacteria we humans have the power (through technology and large-scale co-operation) to wipe out a large chunk of life on Earth; unlike cyanobacteria, we have brains and can make decisions about it.

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Shit, guys, stop making me look like I derailed this thread!!!

Back to worst techniques, cyanobacteria!

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i was told by a tai chi nutrider that if you are sparring with someone, and you accedentally rack their nuts, you can lay them on their back, squeeze their big toe and massage the bottom of their foot at the same time, and their nuts will stop hurting.

anybody up to try that out? i’ll be glad to slam omega right in the dingdong for the sake of martial arts science.

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You presume incorrectly. Also, the hunting of large mammals into extinction was the act of hunter-gatherers.

All species have an effect on, and are therefore part of, their environment. If you fail to see a difference between hunting delicious mammoths into extinction and hunting wolves into extinction because they compete with us for resources, it’s only because you’re a part of the culture to which I referred (as am I, for that matter).

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One of my teachers was also a TCM practitioner, and he had a bunch of supposed cures for dealing with the epic pain of being 'narded.

The one that comes to mind at the moment was where you had the afflicted party sit on the floor, legs straight but slightly spread apart. He sits on top of the foot of a person standing behind him. The person standing then lifts the victim up a few inches and drops him onto the foot, three or four times. Supposedly the foot hits accupressure points around the perineum, but my only experience of it was to have my balls jangled even further - yeah, thanks Sifu.

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chili, is your SN in refrence to my favorite band in the whole history of ever?

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The best solution for pain is more pain? Brilliant in it’s way.

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almost - my style of arnis is named after the hottest pepper in the Philippines.

Siling Labuyo Arnis - what the Red Hot Chili Peppers would train in if they were stickfighters

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alright, i’ll give you 75% cool points. RHCP is a rockin’ band, and stick fighting is pretty sweet as well. maybe one day i’ll learn a bit.

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I remember being taught a “body throw” where you are squared off against each other, left foot forward, and as the attacker throws a right handed lunge punch at you (like you see in ninjutsu), you grab their punch mid flight with BOTH hands and pivot on your right foot twisting your hips and left leg through 180 degrees. So you end up facing the opposite direction you started pulling the attackers arm through the punch to get them off balance. The move seemed pretty cool but I never managed to get it to work in sparring, surprise, surprise.

edit: There was also a similar technique, but for roundhouse kicks. Someone comes in with a round house and as there right leg comes up to hit you in the ribs you hook your left hand behind their leg and right elbow against their knee and force the motion of their kick to continue so their spun off balance. I couldn’t even get this one to work properly under compliant conditions.

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Worst technique I was taught was a defense against a front bear hug/choke/whatever. You were supposed to reach up with a free hand, grab a handful of hair, and by pulling down the attacker would be in such pain he would let go. Long story short, is I got jumped by some drunks, and lo and behold a longhair grabbed me from the front. So I reacted with this great technique, and pulled a huge chunk of hair our of the dude’s head, and he didn’t let go. Fortunately, I was able to improvise and dug my fingers into his eyes, which DID make him let me go…but for those folks out there who think grabbing some drunks hair is going to do anything, please realize folks who are drunk aren’t feeling much pain.

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im sorry if someone already posted this but i just got tired of reading all 59 pages of posts…
when i first learned the armbar from mount in bjj i was told to cross my ankles to help keep the op from escaping…but later learned that you are supposed to ankles uncrossed at all time in bjj.

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Actually I think it’s fine to cross them in an armbar from mount and possibly preferred, but that’s the only situation I think there is. I don’t see how you could be punished for it like you could in other situations.

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well when someone gets in an armbar and they have it set in…you know when your on your backand they cross their ankel it really easy to push their legs up to your neck and then from there all i have to do is roll backwards…it hurts your arm if they have it set in tight but it always works for me… i find that the best way to keep my legs is one above the shoulder and one under it with your feet flat on the floor if possible and then just squeeze your knees togather…i dont know this might not work for everyone but its never failed for me

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The crossed/uncrossed debate continues! Really though if that’s the worst technique you’ve ever been taught you can consider yourself a lucky man.

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Manabi-Masho Ju-Jitsu Still Haunts Me

I remember one particularly shit-errific training session with Manabi-Masho. On a lark, the instructor decided we would be doing some “real” ninja training (Manabi-Masho, as taught in North Carolina, has heavy elements of Ninjitsu). I’m twelve years old, chubby, I own a pair of tabi (sweet ninja-shoes), and I’m told I’m going to learn true ninja techniques. Bitching!

We went to the instructor’s home (which looked like one of those fake brick houses, like it was originally a double-wide trailor, but someone placed bricks around it to make it more middle-classed), where we started learning the secrets of Ninja Stealth. Helpful hints like “moving debris out of your way as you sneak.” Not walking aroung said debris, but delicately picking it up and moving it over. This is a very flexible technique, as you can effectively apply it to a single dried leaf, a stick, or even a rock!

We then covered treeborne (hooah!) ambushes. That’s right. Lurking in a branch 5-10 feet off the gound, and effective ways to pounce on your enemy. Of course, this segment of instruction was demonstration only, and performed from a very low branch so the instructor wouldn’t kill the hapless uke with his mad ninja skillz.

We also covered evasive rolling, and, my favorite, evasive jump-rolling. You know, for when you have to jump over the Super Secret Spike Pit of Soul-Crushing Doom.

That is just one of my training experiences. As others have noted, Manabi is pure, 100%, unadulterated McDojo bull semen. Of course, as always, we warmed up and cooled down with the infamous speed punches.

Another favorite technique that was commonly employed was the “bow and arrow” armbar, performed standing. The idea is to catch the uke’s arm as he thows. As he throws and you catch, you are stepping deep into his flank, almost behind him. Bring his arm over his shoulder, cranking his wrist/elbow towards you, and using your free hand to push against his neck. This resulted in a cool body position for you, because your uke now looks like your fleshy bow-bitch. Very cool and very painful, but the issue is the amount of time getting to the final awesome pose.

I had to learn the hard way that it doesn’t work nearly as well as it should while slap-boxing in junior high with a guy that had a good 50lbs and six inches on me. I didn’t win.

Oh, I just thought of another one: If someone is going for a shoot (you know, leg-grabbing for the takedown), fall on your back and stick a leg out. He’ll commit involuntary seppukku on your foot-spear. No mention, at any time, from anyone in there about “sprawling.”

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Was that like a tomoe nage with extra fail?

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Kind of, except there is no hand use at all, and no actual throw. The technique was to, quite literally, fall onto your back and lift a leg. Bonus points if you protect your face while laying there, hoping you stop the guy with your foot.

Heh, I remember one time in TSD we were going over “real life self-defense.” This was basically having a couple of the more senior (rank-wise) folk putting on a bunch of gear and letting you wail on them for a while. It was awesome. Anyways, the instructor was going for a tackle-style attack on this new girl in the class, who had a Judo background. She performed the most beautiful tomoe nage I have ever seen, and the instructor was sent into a wall. Very fun.

(By the way, my apologies for the delayed response)

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Please tell me you asked her out later.