So a few people I know have had considerable success on websites such as okcupid, RSVP and others. I was thinking how amusing it would be for me to write a dating profile for, obviously, a dating site.
“Why?” you ask, probably because you are unaware that I can actually be an entertaining writer and this is the type of topic that I excel at, giving a self deprecatingly honest appraisal of my shortcomings as a male in the market for a mate. You continue, “it is a legitimate method of dating in this day and age, there’s no stigma anymore.” Firstly, hold up, I thought you were disagreeing with my ability to write something amusing. My face is all crimson, thanks for having faith in my literary brilliance. Although I never said anything about stigma, quote me like It is Fake would if I had.
Some of you may even go further, “I met my partner on [insert dating website] and we’ve been together for almost [insert relevant number] of the most beautiful weeks I’ve ever had.”
Calm down, there, you glistening ray of hope and sunshine, what with that adorable trust in the power of love that is blinding you from the realities of this world. I’ve been there, it’s a great feeling. Don’t stop believing, otherwise the darkness will envelop all that is good in this world. You’re a beacon in this world and until you become hardened to the harshness that is giving your heart to someone only to have them rip it out via the third and fourth rib, spit on it, then forcibly shove it back into place via the anus, while simultaneously taking all your worldly possessions and hanging a persistent legal tag around your neck that says something completely inconsistent with your character, maintain that facade of happiness in your relationship. It reminds me to marvel at how enjoyable life would be like wandering around being so goddamn ignorant.
But I’m not bitter. Far from it. I’ve been “mingling”, hell, I’ve had some successes in my limited interaction with the outside world. I’ve enjoyed the company of many fine young lasses, some of them ten years my junior (I’m thirty, so no need to contact “How To Catch A Predator”). I even had sex with one of them! Well, kind of. She came, I didn’t. Condoms are like fucking kryptonite to my orgasm. But that is not the point.
The point, my friends, and I consider you my friends, is that I, at this present moment, am using entirely too many commas in one sentence, along with rarely making any social or even remotely scenic detours from between the gym, the supermarket, and my house. And I often go straight from training to the supermarket, so I’m not exactly in the best frame of mind, or scent, if there could be a “frame of scent”, to be hitting on the women in the fresh produce aisle. That’s not to say I haven’t tried, the results landing among several variations of the Jenna Marbles “look” she gives when she doesn’t want to be hit on by douches at a bar. If you don’t know the blogger Jenna Marbles, stay the fuck away from her, she is mine, I reckon I’m really close to having her reply to one of the dick pics I’ve sent her, which, as we all know, is the best way to hit on girls on the Internet outside of dating sites. When she replies, I won’t need this damn dating profile anyway.
I was in the shower when I started to think of the types of things I would be able to write in my dating profile, because all good things start with lathering soap in your crotch. I have literally never lied to get a chick into bed, unless you consider the whole “I’ve got a big dick” thing, which, in my defence, is [think of and insert legitimate reason before posting], thus, I’m not lying. Being that I am and would be brutally honest (fucking say something, punces, you know who I mean), I decided to run it past you before I waste my extremely limited funds trying to score using the dating sites that misconstrue the definition of “free” to mean “give us money every month to be able to do anything that would even remotely resemble the result of a date”.
So here goes:
If you are looking for a 30 year old with an unruly beard, look no further.
After some consultation, I decided to flesh it out a bit, because I wasn’t sure I could handle the wall of pussy that was almost guaranteed to tsunami itself to my profile with such a succinct representation of myself. Also, I figured I’d add a bit of pizzazz, cause I like pizza and sleeping.
Ladies seductive wink, you’ve cum to the right place…
Quick editors note here, notice how I used the superlative “cum” instead of “come”, that, my friends, is known as innuendo. Sexual innuendo. From my extensive knowledge of the Internet and women, particularly gleaned from Twitter, women love it when you slip these types of things in, among other things, if you know what I mean (another good example of innuendo). It attracts the more intelligent of the breed, as they’re the ones that will be all, “this guy knows how to push my mental erogenous zones”. For more information about erogenous zones, I use Wikipedia and pornhub.
And yes, I heard you think “in your end-o”. That’s base level humour and will get you no 'tang.
Continued:
… Yo! You have stumbled on the best dating profile on the Internet, possibly since Albert Einstein (a good friend of mine, by the way, ol’ Alby I call him, “get a hair cut, ol Alby” is often heard in the halls of [insert prestigious learning institution, possibly research where Albert Einstein lives first], we’re just that close as friends) first sent an email via pigeon.
So you’re probably wondering how you can get a little action with this 30 year old, bearded love machine. I’ll tell you, but there is some things you must know prior to my accepting of your inevitable offer of a date.
- I’m currently unemployed and have been for a couple of months. It’s not that I am unemployable, not at all, it’s that I hate soul sucking tasks that make up the majority of the current job market. Seemingly contradictory, I will not date you if you don’t have a job nor will I date you if you work, have worked or want to work in the adult entertainment industry. I’ve had way too many girlfriends and the like in my past and I’m STILL cleaning up that wreckage. Furthermore, and this will tie in nicely with point 2 as well, by extension of the job thing, if you want something, buy it. Don’t get me to come look at it in the shop, don’t ask me to tag along cause you want my opinion, I don’t care. Especially if it is clothes. You aren’t buying clothes for me, you’re buying them for you so when you see your women friends you can feel superior to them. If you were choosing clothes based off my opinion, we wouldn’t need to leave the house, whatever you are wearing is fine. Yes, even that hideous get up you are wearing while browsing dating sites with the Chocolate stain on the front. You won’t be wearing anything around me anyway.
If you want flowers or some of that other shit, you know, that stuff that chicks dig that makes them smell either better or like a psychotic florist on steroids, woman cologne, I’ll buy it for you cause I’m all romantic when I want sex, but you will have to spot me a fifty. Don’t be asking for change, though, scab.
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I’m down to my last $1000. This has assisted me greatly in becoming thrifty. Every single cent goes to my strict nutritional requirements of chicken, vegetables and rice. BONUS! I am an awesome cook, I can make that seemingly bland combination taste like a fucking gourmet delicacy designed by royal chefs for the palate of kings. You can’t have any though, as I said, the strict in “strict nutritional requirement” requires me to weigh and account for every piece of food that goes in my mouth and considering I only have the aforementioned dollars left, well, you got a job, feed yourself. Sorry, the fry pan can only cook 1kg of chicken at a time, you can use it when I have finished. Yes, I will eat a kilo of chicken in a day.
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I train mixed martial arts 3 hours a day. How can I explain it better? It’s like kickboxing, except I spend a lot of my time wrestling. Yes, it is fought in a cage. No, it’s not called cage fighting anymore. It’s MMA. Mixed Martial Arts. Okay, yes, I train UFC. Let us move on.
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No, I don’t “have a black belt”. Yes, I’m sure your cousin is an awesome black belt in karate. It’s not the same. No, it’s not. It’s fucking not. MMA doesn’t use the belt system anyway, but if you have to know, I am a white belt in BJJ, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. But I have three stripes on it which pretty much makes me a bit of a bad arse in grappling. BJJ. Yes, good one, it does sound like the abbreviation for blow job, I like how you think, you’re so very original. What is it? Odd question, but a blow job is when you suck on my… Lol, my bad, what is BJJ? It’s a wrestling martial art that focusses on applying certain holds that either cause pain or choking, in order to gain a submission from the guy you are wrestling. Laugh it up, honey, I’ll show you just how gay I’m NOT in the bedroom.
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I have an extremely and unusually high sex drive that must be catered to at least once a day. A desirable trait in my suitable and attractive girlfriend will be a willingness to massage my sore muscles after my training sessions to the point of relaxation, in order to facilitate rest and recuperation. Obviously having trained so much, I will have little energy to initiate sex, so my partner will have to enjoy giving more than receiving. At least once a day. This cannot be emphasised enough.
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I have no pesky assets. There is no need to worry about depreciation or maintenance of investment portfolios. I know that is weight off your shoulders, knowing that you will be able to live in the now, rather than being concerned about what the future may bring, what with share market crashes and property market slumps and government James Bonds not performing because of Obama and his healthcare affecting Julia Gillard’s NBN strategy to stop the boats.
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I am known to flirt outrageously with women. Sometimes I don’t even know I am doing it, it has occurred in the past on one of my infrequent visits to a retail venue, where a sexy strumpet has caught my eye and I have had a giggle filled conversation with her as I leant on the counter all suave and shit, while my exes at the time watched on with quiet bewilderment. To clarify, I wasn’t the one giggling, the girl behind the counter was giggling. She loved it. But I was totally innocent, I wasn’t even aware that I was dropping innuendo like Skrillex with the bass. Except I wasn’t all WUB WUB CRZZZZNNT WUB WURNN. I’ll admit I might’ve caught on eventually that I was being a little overly and overtly playful. Probably around the time I was thrusting my hips towards her. Prior to that, I was completely unaware.
I’m sure this has really piqued your interest even further which you probably thought wasn’t possible after reading points 1-6, but I know you ladies really love it when your man flirts brazenly in front of you because it allows you to release that jealousy hormone you all seem to keep in abundance. Just remember that it is YOU who will be massaging and pleasuring me when we get home, not her.
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I once had a serious alcohol and drug problem. I’m better now, thanks to training, religiously, without any more than a few days off for injury or sickness here and there, several hours daily in a sport for the last two and a bit years where I punch, kick, hyperextend limbs to the point of serious injury as well as trying to choke my opponent, while he tries to knock me out and do the same to me, I have completely cured myself of addiction and mental health issues which may or may not have stemmed from being bullied in high school among other things. Really. I’m fine. And before you ask, I do have the word “psycho” written on me, but it is part of a question I asked myself when I had a Messianic Complex brought on by too much ecstasy when I was younger. I don’t have a mental problem that makes me think I am the Messiah. It’s not a “problem”, per se. Time will tell on that one.
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I know fitness and how to lose weight. I will show you. You probably need it, considering you have resorted to the Internet to find a suitor. I suppose you are wondering how I can be so confident that I can help you lose weight? Well, personally I have lost over 35kg. I was a fucking fat motherfucker. In fact, I have quite a bit of loose skin around my mid section where I lost so much weight so fast that the skin hasn’t had the chance to tighten yet. You’ll see on the first date what I mean, it’s not that bad unless I’m doing prone bridges or something and my belly skin sags like your grandma’s tits before she had them augmented. But don’t worry, you won’t see it during sex, because as alluded to in point 5, missionary position is labour intensive for me and thus has been ruled out except on special occasions like my birthday.
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I currently live in a small bedroom as a boarder, in a house rented by a police recruit whose 8 and 12 year old boys stay with us week on, week off. So when we have kids they will have a father that encourages living room battles with kendo swords and Thai pads as shields. Personally I think my housemate started them a little late in this activity, I believe that my children should be engaging in this type of character building exercise once they have use of their legs, possibly earlier. And wooden swords are for wimps.
I was fortunate to be able to secure this room, considering I now have a black mark against my rental history. This was caused by my previous housemate who, in his infinite drunken wisdom, decided it was a good idea to test his extremely limited fighting ability against mine, to the obvious conclusion, after which he thrashed the joint and ran off owing some $4000, which, I’m sad and a little angry to say, more than a little angry, if I get my hands on that cunt I’m going to jail, due to the rental contract, I am still liable.
I’m just saying it’d be good if your rental history was clean, because I haven’t a hope in hell of getting another place in Australia. And I want us to live together somewhere at some stage, baby.
- I have zero criminal convictions recorded. I know, I’m just as surprised as you are! Not through lack of trying, though, lol smiley face. But seriously, if you do get hold of my criminal record, you will notice that nothing has ever stuck. Cops just liked having me around, I must’ve been a really fun guy when I was drinking and drugging cause they always picked me up and set me up in a little room and brought me water and we did fingerpainting, which was odd cause they only used black ink and it was the same pattern every time, but that’s cool. They used to love playing this game where they’d handcuff me and put me in the back of the wagon then drive really fast and go around corners really fast and brake really fast. So much fun.
It’s a start, I suppose. I’m not sure about the amount of characters they allow, so I might just leave it as is. I’d ask for your input, but I already know that shit is like female catnip, despite not knowing the purpose or effect of catnip, nor even if it is a real thing, because I am not a cat person.
I put it up on Bullshido first because I figure with the abundance of female posters here, maybe I won’t even need to put it on a dating site.
Other than Craigslist, where else would you recommend I put this?