So a while back I wrote a piece in LLL describing, in my usual hilarious style, a version of an online dating profile that I would have to use were I to have an online dating profile. Here is the link for anyone too lazy to literally check three or four threads under this one due to LLL being nigh on dead in the water:
http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=120572
The Most Eligible Bachelor
As I think I had mentioned in that post, I was prompted to explore the topic due to my housemates seemingly rampant success in drilling half the single female population of Brisbane. It was obviously a joke post, a humorous take on the subject. However, I am nothing if not adventurous and enjoy trying new and exciting things, even if it means a lengthy court case at the end, as evidenced here:
http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=118183
So I registered for a dating site to see how it went. Fuck it, I thought, I’ll just condense that stuff I wrote for Bullshido into a 2000 character profile description. And that is pretty much what I did, to a degree. I figured my profile should be extremely honest and accurate, I mean, if you are looking for someone to date, why would you lie? They’re going to find out eventually.
Now, a couple of things happened since the Most Eligible Bachelor thread was written. One, I injured my rib, and two, I gained employment. Sort of. I don’t start until next week, but I am not unemployed in the traditional “you’re a leach on society’s teat with no foreseeable change on the horizon” kind of way. So instead of saying I was unemployed, I described my “profession” as being an Account Manager in the Online Sector. If pressed, I could say without lying that I have taken a position at a new firm and am starting in June. The rib thing also meant I had to modify the training schedule described, only this time I thought it best if I say upfront how important martial arts, MMA and BJJ in particular, are to me and how heavily they will feature in my future. Truthfully, I think this used up a large portion of the character limit, describing the amount of time and energy I devote, with little space for anything else. In reality, though, is there anything else? I am dedicated and committed to combat sport, on several levels. It’s all about honesty.
If you don’t know me or my writing style, rest assured there were some witty lines weaved throughout. Apparently a sense of humour is a desirable trait in a man. I always thought that was a euphemism for “bottomless wallet”.
Obviously there is a questionnaire about appearance, to which again, I was open. I did have a little issue with one of the questions to do with body type. It gave five options, along the lines of “slim”, “athletic”, “average” and then some politically correct twaddle like “a little round the edges” and finally “lots to love”. I didn’t know whether to put athletic or average, because I am still the fat kid at school in my head. Then I looked in the mirror, saw the rippling Adonis before me carved through the grind of hard training and strict dieting recently and clicked athletic. It was the only thing I felt iffy about, but that would change.
After being asked some questions about an ideal partner, I bought a “three email deal”, basically you pay what amounts to be about $15 for unlimited custom messages. I was ready for my first foray into the world of online dating.
I put out a number of those pitiful “do you like me?”-style free template emails that just notify of your intention to contact further the women in the gallery. These are the women whom you have studied their photos like a forensic scientist and have glanced briefly at whatever crap they’ve written about themselves (more often than not they are “funny, honest and love a good wine”) interspersed with their favourite Marilyn Monroe quotation advocating individuality. I received a large number of those “eww, fuck off, creep” free rejection emails that are politely worded but you get the message.
Then something odd happened. I received two of those feeler emails from girls. Playa playa!
I opened the first profile to disappointment, she hadn’t included a photo. Being new to the game, I naively hoped she didn’t include a photo because she didn’t want attention from creeps. Naive and wishful. Whatever, if she is not attractive it would be good practice anyway, I thought to myself. Her profile indicated she was intelligent, had an “average” figure and went to the gym a bit. So we began conversing.
She was intelligent, no doubt, doing her doctorate in an area of study that interests me, anthropology. It was easy to maintain interest in the discussion, being an intelligent being myself. She showed interest in martial arts and said she wanted to start but she “wanted to get fit first”. I think I cringed. I veered the topic away from fitness, fearing the worst. Conversation. “I’ve lost 15kg”. I didn’t cringe at this, because I have lost 15kg this year alone. It was a good sign in my opinion. “But I’ve got a long way to go”. Veer conversation. She veers it right back, “so does it matter that I’m super curvy?” Ouch. Girls who use “super curvy” as a descriptor are generally generously fat. I was diplomatic, saying I was enjoying the conversation and wasn’t thinking about appearance. We conversed for a little bit longer, but this was going nowhere. There is a reason I made it clear I am into the fitness lifestyle through martial arts and it wasn’t to date tubby bunny boilers. And it pissed me off that she put “average”, if you’re fat, you’re fat, put that down. There’s chubby chasers out there gagging to fuck you.
The second one was more promising, or so I thought. She had several photos and after careful analysis, I came to the conclusion that they were, for the most part, undoctored. Granted, they were head shots only, but at least her face was pretty. Her profile said “average” body type, too, but during conversation she did not feel the need to confess to me her obesity. We agreed to meet for coffee.
As some of you may be aware, an afternoon coffee date allows the chance to meet and if it all goes well, move into the evening with little effort, possibly catch a movie, etc. If it goes to shit, a coffee date is over in less than an hour and you’re home to watch as much porn as you desire. The main benefit of a coffee date is you can chat, a dinner date is interrupted several times to order, eat, pay the bill and anything in between. So I knew it was going to be a shit coffee date when I asked her in a text which cafe I should meet her.
“One with food”, came the reply. Cringe.
So I stood waiting for this date, expecting an average build woman with a pretty face to rock up. Instead, from behind a group of blokes emerged this extremely overweight, puffy faced, waddling hipster. I texted my housemate, the cop, who also had vetoed the photos and had also decided that she was good looking. “OH HELL NO!!!” It read. Apparently he was doing some paperwork for a stop he’d made and bursting out laughing in front of the perp. Someone should notify the authorities about the photo editing software she used, it is amazing.
In her eyes I saw she knew I was out of her league. Tell me I have tickets on myself, tell me I’m superficial. But don’t tell me that physical attraction does not exist in successful relationships. And never try and tell me that “average” shaped regular gym goers resemble beachballs without the whimsy. I obviously wanted to get this “date” over quickly.
Dating 101 for Guys: Ask Her About Her
There was no way I wanted her to think I was interested, but I’m not about destroying a woman’s self esteem. So I talked about myself. I’m pretty good at that. Considering she ate while I rapidly consumed my long black, I covered much ground.
Oh, and the food she ordered? The carbiest, butteriest dish the establishment had. I reckon she called ahead and asked for extra butter. I felt sick looking at it. She ate it all. I drank my coffee, thanked her for the chat and fucked the fuck off, cursing our current society for making people believe that being morbidly obese is acceptable, while simultaneously cursing the dating website for not making it clear that “average” is in context with the other options, not the bullshit “(whiny fat female voice) the average woman in Australia is a size 24”, or whatever they’re trying to say is the case.
As you can imagine, I had lost faith in this Internet dating. I had spent about $30, dammit, that’s like a fifth of a decent prostitute for fifteen minutes of rabbit fucking. But then an unlikely conversation with a family member convinced me that it was $30 well spent, my profile was obviously not portraying what I wanted, no, needed it to say in order to attract a woman I’d want.
Back to the drawing board, only this time I had gained knowledge through the profiles of the women I’d stalked. I was actually quite selective to whom I sent the feeler emails, not like my housemate, who sends them out to hundreds of good looking women in order to get in conversations with tens at a time. I had begun to read their profiles in depth, because there’d be no point in me, with my deep appreciation for certain things and aversion to others, approaching girls that specify they will listen to “anything but hip hop and metal”, or “want someone they can get drunk with at BBQs”. Which makes up a large amount of women, surprisingly. What I did notice was that those women without these ridiculous stipulations in their profiles all had common themes and those themes pretty much described me, I just wasn’t describing me in a way that appealed to them. So I rewrote my profile, remaining honest, but in a way that spoke the language of the wimminz.
BAM! Chicks contacting me out of the blue. Chicks with photos that weren’t just head shots. Chicks with lead ins saying things like “you’re cute”. Yep, just a bit of tweaking to my descriptive introduction to me and I was on the right track.
Or it could have been that I changed my photo from epic beard guy to designer stubble guy.
Women are so superficial.
DATING TIP: Where possible, take your date to a place where you are relatively well known. Especially if you are able to carve out your own nook, while managing to stay sociable. There is something about being in a crowded place and having men and women approach you to say hi, shake your hand/ hug and chat, it exudes power and respect.
Last night, Saturday, I invited a 21 year old blonde girl from the site to meet me at a local MMA event. I was already going with a friend and this girl had contacted me on the Friday night and had asked me what I do for fun. I had arrived early to find a group of friends from the gym already there, so I was going to have a good night anyway, but I had put it out there that if she was available to come down and join me.
I’m no celebrity, but I’m now a semi recognisable face in the SEQ MMA scene if only on the periphery. The celebs of the scene, such as Bec Hyatt and Ben Wall, are among the groups with which I mingle and the Advance/ Impact alliance means that there is always a fair few people with which to interact. When she rocked up and found out it was a LIVE event, having thought it was just going to be a screened event, she became really excited. She seemed to have enjoyed herself as I introduced her to a large group of friends who were all eager to welcome her into the fold. Not bragging, but it is an experience to be battlefields’ date at an event like this, there’s a lot of respect and love, nahmean?
She is cuter than her pictures. She’s young but she’s fucking smart. Her use of the English language is extremely attractive to me. I’m not rushing into anything, just enjoying the ride for the time being. And I’ll say it, I’m practicing delayed gratification, DerAuslander (reference to a post of yours in one of the previous linked threads). Truly this is something I am not accustomed to, this not angling for the bedroom antics. But it is actually a lot better for me mentally.
I checked the site again tonight, there were a few more emails.
