This month’s award was originally going to go to Kevin “Jorts” Smith, who whined like a former jockey turned convicted pedo in a San Quentin cell after lights out, because an airline didn’t think his fat ass fit into a single seat.
[wleft]http://www.bullshido.net/images/db/shockfights/kevin-smith-jorts.jpg[/wleft]Waah. And it would have been a good piece too, since he’s apparently been previously butthurt by the Internet to such a degree that he made an entire film based on his fantasies of going around beating up people who made mean posts about him.
![http://www.bullshido.net/images/db/shockfights/kevin-smith-jorts.jpg[/wleft]Waah](http://www.bullshido.net/images/db/shockfights/kevin-smith-jorts.jpg%5B/wleft%5DWaah){kind=link}
In fact, hell, here’s the few paragraphs that we actually put together before losing all interest in the subject faster than his wife when he tries to screw with the lights on:
[i]Dear Silent Bob,
First off, let me just say that I love your films (well, except Chasing Amy). And it’s awesome that you’re into comic books as well, a grossly under-appreciated art form without a doubt.
But do us a favor and shut the fuck up, k?
Don’t get me wrong, please continue all your creative efforts. We’re definitely not telling you to stop sharing your insights on east coast, working-class culture, Catholicism, or intersexuality dating. This particular “STFU” is very specific, and only applies to keeping your mouth shut if and when your hand happens to be holding Doritos, a Baconator™, or anything other than celery if you’ve consumed more than around 2000 calories in a given day.
And while you’re busy with the shutting of the fuck up, how about strapping a pair of Nikes on those club-looking things peeking out of your jorts and waddle down a few blocks past RST Video and back?[/i]
After the 74 seconds it took to write that, I realized that staring at the wall was a more gratifying endeavor and started doing that instead. Twenty minutes later, I got hungry, and made myself a sandwich. Then I watched a documentary on Netflix and afterwards went to the gym. When I finally came back, I decided that K-Smith was an all-right guy who just needed a real-life “Jay” in the form of a fitness instructor, to his “Silent Bob”. So I considered a plan involving figuring out where he lived and then sending a redshirt from 24 Hr fitness to his house with a donut on a stick, to lead him into a van, and ultimately onto a treadmill.
But instead, I decided to stare at the wall again for a few minutes. And so we’re here.
Funny post-script to that though, we did send a shout-out to him courtesy of Sociocide, over Twitter (where he did most of his whining, with the new “FU Friday” trend we’re starting over there.
Anyway, Shockfights.
We really want to believe this is all a lead-up to an elaborate April Fools joke. After all, it’s something we’d consider doing ourselves (even though we’re not doing April Fools this year).
Because it takes a Trig Palin level of retardation to think that this is anything beyond the combat sports equivalent of breaking wind in a hurricane. Don’t believe me? Watch their promo trailer:
Let’s see:
“O Fortuna”, the world’s most abused music for unimaginative assholes trying to portray something as “epic”? Check!
Horrible lack of anything resembling actual fighting skills? Check!
Outdoor “arena” that looks like it was built under a failed project to build a freeway overpass through the jungle? Check!
Malnourished-looking third world “athletes”, participating in order to avoid starvation for themselves and their families? Check!
Smarmy bald asshole with goatee… hey wait…
YouTube- I’m back and can’t be censored … Michael Alexander video is back…
So as you can see, the choice for Doucehbag of the Ever in this case is pretty easy. Now, for the bonus content:
I occasionally post on other forums. I know, it’s shocking; almost like I’m cheating on you, Bullshido. It’s cool though baby. Even though I may sew my wild oats on the faces of other websites, I always use protection, and I always come home to you. They mean nothing to me.
One of the funniest websites on the Internet is run by a lanky chap who lives down the street from me. If he did Martial Arts, he’d probably post on Bullshido himself. But it’s obvious that he doesn’t because he got his ass kicked by the world’s shittiest living film director in a bizarro gong sau challenge boxing match. Anyway, he’s a swell dude who has a lovely family, a nice dog, and a painting of RoboCop at the Last Supper.
The website is SomethingAwful.com, and they also have forums. You have to pay $10 to join the forums, which I did several years back. Apparently this cuts down on the amount of idiots they have to deal with. You’d think this would be a good plan. Hell I wish I could coax $10 out of each and every bumblefuck who registered here, but I’m starting to suspect they should raise the price of admission to $500, a personality test, and an always looming kick in the balls by a designated local forum representative. (The latter part of this plan has always worked out well for us, after all…).
That’s a lot of clickity-clack on my keyboard to preface what’s basically a bunch of screenshots of probably the sixth or seventh stupidest argument I’ve ever gotten into on the Internet.
What does it have to do with Shockfights? Marginally nothing, except for the fact that once it got rolling, I was sincerely hoping I could get this hapless neckbeard poopsocker to fight me, and the promoter (who also posted on the thread), to arrange and pay for it all. I’ll go ahead and spoil the fact that I failed to accomplish both tasks, but being an esteemed member of the only website on the Internet which has ever had such internet bickering come to actual fruition by way of hand delivered ass beatings, you could have probably already guessed that.
So, enjoy. If the text is small, just click on the image and because of all the magic everywhere in this bitch[sup]1[/sup], it’ll get bigger.
The thread died a slow and vapid death shortly after this, and this particular individual never posted in it again. I was genuinely hoping he’d take me up on the deal, so I was kind of disappointed.
Oh well. I just figured I’d share this extra bit of douchebaggery as a warning about posting on other forums should you ever chose to leave the protective boundaries of the Bullshido village.
Footnotes
1. YouTube- Insane Clown Posse - Miracles