Seducing the one you're with...

A common theme in comedic musings about marriage is that women shut off the sex tap once the ring is secured, oftentimes permanently (what food kills a womans sex drive? Wedding cake, etc). This seems to be a truism for most of the population. Now, at least one of the three women on this forum will pipe up and say that their libido is stronger than any man’s they have come across (pun intended), but we all know that a) you’re full of shit and b) if you are not full of shit, then you really need to stop picking up at the impotency clinic.

I’m writing mainly to ask those in a relationship what are some methods you’ve employed to trick, sorry, seduce your long term female friend into fucking the bejesus out of you and if those methods are consistent.

Now, as a bit of a ladies man in the good ole days, I can honestly say I had a foolproof script that guaranteed sex whenever I wanted it. It went exactly like this:

Me: Hi, how are you tonight?
Her: $50 a blowjob, $100 full service, $150 you can fuck me in the arse.

Obviously this required exquisite timing and finesse on my behalf, you couldn’t just walk up out of the blue and be so up front, the women I chose had class!

Now that I am in a stable long term relationship and having made the mistake too many times to count of waving a fistful of fifty’s at her with one hand and shaking my dick in the other, I am looking for some tried and tested techniques that don’t involve me standing outside the bathroom waiting until she gets out of the shower and bends over to dry her feet.

The old “men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex” is bullshit if you ask me. Chicks just need to lay down and if nothings doing, KY can do it for them. Dudes, on the other hand, we need to get the blood pumping and allocate it to the penis, a volume about 1/5th of our body mass (that’s the same with you, as well, right?). We need to fucking WORK to fuck. And don’t get me started on the thrusting! Thank god that’s over in a couple of seconds.

So yeah, I don’t care about you young whippersnappers chasing tail all over town. Been there, done that, no STI’s, I hope, I’ll get tested one day. I want to hear from those shackled to the ole ball an chain, those suffered and survived, or suffering and surviving a sexless marriage, those on their way or close to walking down the aisle blubbering at the loss of those freedoms like Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday night…the weekend. How do you convince your woman that your sexual needs are more important than her desire to tell you about her day?

option A: There is no hope, sex after marriage is a myth. Stick with internet porn and masturbation.

option B: Rub her feet with a foot balm and hope for the best

Decisions, decisions…

Chloroform perfume? Awwwwright.

Learn the menstrual cycle. A week before and the week after are your best times for success. Get the children away and clean up the house make sure to wash your balls and don’t do anything stupid that week. If you want to go all out and cook or take her dining that’s on you and do the active listening thing for a couple of days.

The real trick is to have a marriage based solely on sex, and have nothing else in common.
Last thing you want is a wife who wants to “talk” or “share her feelings” when all you want is a quickie and then get back to the TV

The trick is plenty of muff diving. Dinner certainly won’t hurt, granted you can cook, and don’t burn down the damn kitchen. And remember. CHOCOLATE + SEX IN THE CITY DVD collection + muff diving while she watches the said DVD is sure to earn you major bonus points for when you REALLY fuck up on a large scale (and you know you will. It’s only a matter of time.) Use this knowlege wisely.

first and foremost: do shit around the house she always wants you to do, but you never seem to do. That’s like the igniter. It lights the fire, but that’s it. More time is needed to bring the pot to a boil.

second: listen, listen, listen. She wants to talk. Actually listen to what she says, don’t just hear her talk.

third: while listening feel out her mood. If she’s tired and cranky it’s not impossible, just takes A LOT more effort. Are you that committed? If she’s in a generally good mood (even a little bit of stress can be a good thing) now’s the time to start slowly getting physical. this means things like little touches, light kisses on her neck, embrace from behind while she’s doing something. Be light and playful with all of this and continue to listen and talk so she feels like you’re not just focused on trying to get her pants off (even if that’s what you’re really focused on).

fourth: by now you should have a pretty good idea of how receptive she will be to escalating the situation. It’s decision time. If she’s had a really stressful day perhaps a good massage gets the ball rolling. Or, If your previous actions have really started to get her going just grab her and give her a passionate kiss. This could lead to doing it just about anywhere (this doesn’t happen often, if this is what you get consider it a lucky day). If she’s in a really good and playful mood you could just use innuendo or flat out say “Hey, let’s go do it” or some similar statement.

Bottom line, take away all of her worries for the day first. If she’s worried, she’s not horny. With those things gone you are free to proceed with seduction.

Yeah, like, between 8 AM and midday each day? :new_vampv:new_vampv:new_vampv

YouTube - Pedobear

Seriously, at least from my limited experience (I’m 27, and the meanest person in the world when it comes to deal with girlfriends), whenever sexual desire dares to run out, this is already a sign of the phenomenon called “the end”.

If she begins to refuse you on a regular base, even if the moments appear great, talk to her. Chances are you might not like the answer, but at least it may save you unpleasant surprises of the kind like “when I said I was ‘doing yoga’, I meant the teacher”.

Now, as to creating those “moments that appear great”, don’t do anything special: Keep in shape, keep your personal hygiene, keep as interested into her as you were in the beginning.

AND: Be very clear about that you chose her the same way she chose you.

Sex with you should not be a favor she gives to you, but something she equally craves for. Once you are in that position that she only sleeps with you because she likes you, it’s darn hard to get away from that.

If you haven’t been in a relationship for at least three years, you have no business posting in this thread. I’m looking at you Pilgrim.

I’ve been with my wife for 18 years. What works best for me?

Copious amounts of begging.

Ok, seriously, I find that doing things for her like cooking a nice dinner, cleaning the house before she gets home or buying flowers get me lucky the most often. However, you must do these things without being asked, or asking for recognition for doing them if you want to build up your “credit”.

Massage can also work provided you have some talent for it. A little mystery can go a long way as well. Plan ahead, leave a note for her to meet you somewhere and surprise her with dinner at a nice restaurant. Get a hotel room at a nice hotel if you want to go the extra mile.

Mostly, though, doing thoughtful things that make her life easier without being asked seems to work more than anything else in my experience.

PROTEST! I LIVED with a girl for about FIVE years!

(Hehe, final break-up was in Dec’ 07, look where I went to compensate.)

Of course, since this was, in the end, an unsuccessful (hate that word) relationship, you guys probably do things better than we two did.

However, it’s sweet - BF is asking for advice to spice up his sex life, you all are giving advice on how to better one’s love life. Which honors you all, because that says a lot of how you view your partners, but is probably not what the OP was looking for.

Much respect,

Rafe

I always just went for the “surprise rim job followed by anal penetration”.

Foreplay is a myth. Pull on her hair and choke the bitch till her eyes water while saying the foulest shit you can imagine. Maybe slap her about the face a little, not too rough, you don’t want to leave visible marks or terrify her, just show her who’s boss.

Guaranteed blow job, every time.

[quote=Mr. Machette;2440115]I always just went for the “surprise rim job followed by anal penetration”.
[/quote]
cool I bet the men loved the attention.

Foreplay is a myth.

You are so wrong you can’t even see the answer.

Pull on her hair and choke the bitch till her eyes water while saying the foulest shit you can imagine. Maybe slap her about the face a little, not too rough,

You ignorant ass. You just went into detail describing foreplay. You can’t just contradict yourself like that. I mean you can, but you end up looking like a tool.

you don’t want to leave visible marks or terrify her, just show her who’s boss.

You don’t actually know what the fuck you are talking about do you?

Guaranteed blow job, every time.

Maybe with submissive masochists who enjoy blowing you.

[quote=Mr. Machette;2440115]I always just went for the “surprise rim job followed by anal penetration”.

Foreplay is a myth. Pull on her hair and choke the bitch till her eyes water while saying the foulest shit you can imagine. Maybe slap her about the face a little, not too rough, you don’t want to leave visible marks or terrify her, just show her who’s boss.

Guaranteed blow job, every time.[/quote]

I think you learned the game called “sex” in a place called “prison”.

[quote=Backfistmonkey;2440133]cool I bet the men loved the attention.

You are so wrong you can’t even see the answer.

You ignorant ass. You just went into detail describing foreplay. You can’t just contradict yourself like that. I mean you can, but you end up looking like a tool.

You don’t actually know what the fuck you are talking about do you?

Maybe with submissive masochists who enjoy blowing you.[/quote]
Way to take everything too fucking seriously there monkey.

And “submissive masochists” are the most fun anyways. Better yet, they don’t talk back.

Never been to prison. I just know some seriously game women…

[quote=Mr. Machette;2440163]Way to take everything too fucking seriously there monkey.

And “submissive masochists” are the most fun anyways. Better yet, they don’t talk back.[/quote]

not while wearing a ball gag

That’s the spirit!

Who says romance is dead eh?

I don’t know if you get Pinot Grigio where you are battlefields but get a bottle of that down her beak and you’ll be well away.

Why Pinot Grigio specifically vs any other varietal? If seduction is what you had in mind I’d go for a late harvest wine of some sort - it’s sweet & easily drinkable even if they’re not a big wine fan, and it has a higher alcohol content.

If you want to romance the lady, take her to a nice dinner. And by nice dinner I mean some place that has food she likes and preferrably that has a chef and a wine list. IE, not Logans’, Longhorn or Outback.

For our anniversary this year I brought my wife out to dinner…

at a Michelin starred restaurant…

in Paris.

Beat that.

                                                                    The trick is plenty of muff diving.

Best advice yet. My wife is more or less always up for it because she knows she’s always going to get something out of it, so she’s never stingy about reciprocating. It also helps that she’s as horny as a 15 year old boy a lot of the time. And that she actually enjoys sex. A lot of women just don’t, which is why you see so many “do x, then y, then z, and then maybe she might be in the mood if the planets are aligned properly” lists.