I have discovered a new martial art. It is the deadliest of its kind; it was developed to destroy all other martial arts in combat. Developed a thousand years ago by intoxicated Tibetan Monks, this art has stood the test of time. Now, in this day, I have revieved this art and am the only Westerner to practice( In fact, I’m the only person in the world to practice this. Don’t ask me where I discovered the art, you don’t wanna know.). I have renamed this art Singing Lone Omnipotent Night Wolf( S.L.O.N.G), for the howling, mating wolves that live and attack people in my area. Learning this mystical art will give you the ability to kill anyone you fight, whether they be bigger, more expierenced, better trained, smarter, drunk, a serial killer, incontinent, ect. As I have said before, many of these techniques have been kept secret until now. And now, you will be able to learn this amazing, obscure, powerful art today. Here’s a free, online lesson for you:
Now, the object behing S.L.O.N.G is not to resist your attackers force; rather, absorb his force using your head. Here is a technique in which you can do this: When facing your opponent, get into a deep split( face forward and spread your legs apart really far) and put your hands behind your back. When your attacker throws a strike, make sure it hits your head. If your attacker throws a blow to the torso, quickly duck down and absorb the strike into your temple. This will cause your attackers arm to shatter while giving you an incredible amount of chi, magic, magick, adrenaline, and Satanic energy from force. Now, a basic offensive manuever in S.L.O.N.G is called the Douche. To do the Douche, get on one foot and vigouously hop up and down. Swing your arms like a maniac on drugs; don’t worry about balance. Now, if your opponent is close, he will be hit by your deadly blow(job) of the arms. However, if he is at a distance, you should charge at him head first. The fantastic headbutt that you will give him will cause him to explode in a mess of body matter. Remember, this art is deadly and if you learn it, you should not spar or enter casual tournaments. Your art will make everyone who challenges you die a lonely death. Now, another fighting manuever common in S.L.O.N.G is the coxucker vegina. When attacked, by any means, you clap your hands together to make a spear like hand thing. Duck your head down and swing your spear hands around as you scream " Kung-Fu Power!!!“. When the police wake you up from of the ground, your attackers should be gone. Now, chi plays a very important part in S.L.O.N.G. In fact, you can get a substantial amount of chi energy just by thinking about S.L.O.N.G! When pushing your opponent, escpiecially a larger one, scream " Power Shove!!!” when you make contact. This will give your push an incredible amount of chi power, and it will kill your opponent in a bloody mess. Now, when you start to get proficent in S.L.O.N.G( which takes about a few seconds; this art is real easy to learn), you will be able to rip an opponent’s arm out of his/her socket and stab his/her chest with it effortlessly. Now here is the final basic technique: To humiliate your opponent, insert your penis into his/her mouth( if you don’t have a penis, rub your vagina in your opponents face). Make him/her perform oral sex on you. This will give you pleasure while it emotionally destroys your opponent.
That was it for your first online S.L.O.N,G lesson. Next, I will give you exercise, adavanced technique, and reality-based lessons. Be back soon, and remember, don’t perform this art on anyone unless your life depends on it. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.
Edit: Sorry
