I don’t understand people who live in the town of hamilton. Something about the culture just makes me want to hurt people, and confuses me. The other day my mate shows up at my house and asks if i want to do an overnighter in “h-town”. I was previously going to visit a gaybar with my flatmates girlfriend, but that can happen whenever- you only get one chance to hit on a girl at her 21st. it was time to make like a jew and hit the gas.
I should explain a little bit about hamilton and auckland here. auckland is huge, full of assholes, and has the best nightlife of any city in new zealand as well as the easiest girls. and best looking- bonus of having a university in the centre of the city next to the uni hostels and nightclubs. and my city apartment. hubba hubba. Hamilton on the other hand is full of poor motherfuckers and nothing is near anything else. it is freezing cold all the time and insulation is something that happened to other peoples houses. the girls there are usually either farmers daughters or students too poor to live in auckland- either way they are on average uglier yet more stuck up than auckland girls. and poor. my shirt probably cost more than this girls shithole student flat. Needless to say I have a lot of fun in hamilton.
We got there, got drunk, got picked up to go to this 21st by some crazy irish guy called Rob who drove through the city at about 100kmh. This guy was the only cool guy i met that whole night except for my partner in crime and another friend who had come down to this stankhole as well.
God knows why we got there so early but there was the birthday girl, some of her friends, and us. we turned to drinking games almost immediately, she brought round a little 21st birthday message book for us to write in. i put in something about being “awesome alex” and putting sugar on her doughnuts. or something. the magic was beginning. the good thing about girls 21sts is they invite all their girlfriend, the place was a goddamn harem and there was only about 6-7 guys. the boyfriends of these girls had the sense to fuck off away from this lame ass party with its creed in the background. what made it even better was that these guys were munters of the highest order. one guy turned up in a long faux leather trench coat, and wore it the whole time. i followed him around for about 20 minutes cracking jokes about how much clothes cost in the matrix, but he wasnt biting so i said “you look like a fucking moron. dipshit.” and went back to chat up the retarded women of H-town.
8pm rolls around (yeah- we started pretty early) and the birthday girl says the taxis are here. she booked part of a club out for her party in town at 8pm? what the fuck? i jumped in the taxi van, turned to the girl next to me and said id buy her a beer if she paid my part of the fare since i had no cash on me. she said she doesnt drink beer. I replied with “sweet free ride. BOOYA” and started talking to rob about how fucking dumb hamiltonians are. he is a fellow aucklander so automatically became my closest friend.
The club sucked balls. I was trying to watch the all blacks take apart the springbok and these two fucking girls kept dragging me off to dance with them. i was doing alright and then it happened- my dislike for hamilton and its residents kicked into overdrive. the guy i arrived with had come to the same conclusion. when one of the girls asked if i could buy her a drink i replied with “FUCK OFF! HAHAHA” and started laughing at her with my mate. some girl aked him for his number and he just started laughing in her face. i was in tears laughing my ass off at this stage, the party had just gotten a whole lot better. and the all blacks won so i was in a good mood. the third person who i knew before arriving at this party (I didnt know anyone at this party except him and the guy who dragged me to it) had left with some asian girl who would later on, while in bed with him, break down about how she couldnt do it and wasnt over her last boyfriend. you gotta feel for the guy, this is the closest hes gotten in 6 months and gets cockblocked at the last second. i still laughed for about an hour when he came back into town and told us about it.
while i was dancing i started making out with some girl. it was only when she took me outside i realised she was like 35- great body though but still… I led her on as long as i could stomach (the beer she was buying for me helped) before I and my two mates bailed back to some guys apartment, i was completely sober and the fact that it was like 8 degrees was getting to me. in the harsh light of day, i now realise i should have just railed the old lady, even if her pussy had seen more action than world war 2 she was probably old enough to have a house with fucking heating in it. hamilton sucks and so do the people who live there, although i got the last laugh when i screamed HARDCORE out the window at 9am and set the neighbours dogs off.
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