The naughty bits

Reviews, Videos, and Everything Else Trollshido
21

[QUOTE=Dr. Gonzo;3024363]You should not use your cell phone while taking a deuce.

You should borrow other people’s cell phones and take your deuce.

This reduces fecal matter contaminant on your cell phone.[/QUOTE]

Oh, call their mother and pretend to be them with a cold. Everything after “Hi Mom, I have a cold” will be totally believable. Then proceed to drop the mother of all deuces while discussing your intestinal health starting with that scorching case of anal herpes and HPV they picked up in tijuana. Best Thanksgiving ever.

22

I would add, whenever possible,

you should poop while on the clock.

Then you are being paid to poop,

and can rightly claim you are a professional pooper.

(this being the shit post thread, after all)

23

[QUOTE=Dr. Gonzo;3024366]I would add, whenever possible,

you should poop while on the clock.

Then you are being paid to poop,

and can rightly claim you are a professional pooper.

(this being the shit post thread, after all)[/QUOTE]

Yeah, the problem for me is that payroll comes out of my bank account. I’m not super keen on this.

Edit: I can go all morning talking feces but I’m going to have to drive to work in about an hour. There’s a lot to do today.

24

[QUOTE=Dung Beatles;3024367]There’s a lot to doo today.[/QUOTE]

Tweaked for fun.

With 320 million murcans, there will probably be somewhere around 280 million pounds of poop, today, just in the 50+. Food for thought.

25

[QUOTE=Lily;3024357]What a time the 60’s were eh BKR? :smiley:

I lived next door to a small Seventh Adventist church, my gym set up looked out over their courtyard. Sometimes after workouts I’d just strip off right there so as to run to the laundry and throw my clothes in to wash and jump into the shower (coz efficient!). Once not realising they had started setting up for an event at 6am which was my normal workout time, they caught an eyeful.[/QUOTE]

When I do my elliptical workout, I just wear my underwear. I find it very inefficient to put on clothes just to get them all sweaty for a workout and then take them off to have to wash them. I’ll usually grab the undershirt that I’ve been wearing for the day and drape that over the front of the machine for moping the sweat out of my eyes. Consequently recently we went to DC for an award ceremony and I went and worked out in their gym. It was weird wearing clothes on the machine.

I also use a suspension trainer on my door at work. I usually at least take my shirt off while doing that. Which gets a little weird if someone knocks on my door while I’m working out. Most everyone recognizes the door anchor now and comes back later.

26

[QUOTE=Dr. Gonzo;3024366]I would add, whenever possible,

you should poop while on the clock.

Then you are being paid to poop,

and can rightly claim you are a professional pooper.

(this being the shit post thread, after all)[/QUOTE]

SEE!! I’ve been telling people this for years. The other thing is you don’t know how good you have it until you have had to drop a duce on a steel toilet in a cell. Makes all other toilets seem luxurious. Well, except the 5 gallon bucket I use when camping. :slight_smile:

27

[QUOTE=submessenger;3024371]Tweaked for fun.

With 320 million murcans, there will probably be somewhere around 280 million pounds of poop, today, just in the 50+. Food for thought.[/QUOTE]

Wouldn’t that be shit to think about? I have a hard enough time keeping food down as it is.

28

[QUOTE=Diesel_tke;3024373]SEE!! I’ve been telling people this for years. The other thing is you don’t know how good you have it until you have had to drop a duce on a steel toilet in a cell. Makes all other toilets seem luxurious. Well, except the 5 gallon bucket I use when camping. :)[/QUOTE]

Another story time with submessenger:
(stop me if you’ve heard this one)
So, Haiti. Shit went south, for a bit, in the late 90’s. (edit: it was 1994, old man memory getting weak). Well, at least once a decade Haiti gets fucked, but this is my story. We stood by, for a bit, for NGFS. If you are not familiar with that term, that’s where you have a spotter on the beach calling in coordinates to land heavy ordnance - Naval GunFire Support. We had HE rounds, WP for nighttime illumination, and I cannot confirm nor deny the existence of battlefield nukes.

Well, we didn’t get to action on that. People were fleeing the island on anything that floated. We were repurposed to rescue the refugees and deliver them to GTMO (and to destroy their makeshift rafts, that’s another fun story which involves machine guns, grenades, and conflagration). You put a couple thousand people on the weatherdecks of a small ship, though, and you quickly realize that they have people needs, like food and poopage. So, we got to work on converting our refuelling stations (1 fore and 1 aft, on both sides of the ship) into loos. Curtains hung, 5-gallon buckets installed, and our head machinist made toilet seats from aluminum stock. Head machinist, LOL.

I’m standing watch on the forward starboard loo. My Spanish sucks, and my Creole is worse. Dude finishes his doody duty, and I ask him to dump it over the side. So, he takes the entire bucket, and throws it over the side. Loo #1 is now offline. Hilarity ensues.

29

[QUOTE=submessenger;3024358]Alright, I gave it several hours. Shocked that nobody has yet walked through that open door, so it’s my duty.

//youtu.be/Vc0gYbTNctU
[/QUOTE]

<insert>Village People “In The Navy” Video</insert>

30

[QUOTE=Raycetpfl;3024359]Yea… I hate when there is a room full of showers and its just me in there and some guy comes and picks the shower next to me to shower. I get straight up mad. If it happens more than once they get screamed at.[/QUOTE]

Well, being the hunka hunka man you are, what do you expect ?

31

[QUOTE=Dung Beatles;3024362]No, you should never do it. Because eventually you’re going to make that grunt that tells everyone around you that you’re pushing out a deuce or the accompanying sigh that says you just got over the hill and a great big mookie stink is evacuating your large intestine.

There’s really no way around it. You’re gonna make that sound one day when you’re on the phone with the bank, or your lawyer or your sister and they’re going to be fucking disgusted. Especially your sister because she always suspected you were fucking gross anyway and this only confirms why her kids are better off spending time with her in-laws than her own morbidly disgusting brother.

That’s why I don’t do it. My sisters think I’m a saint. My middle brother won’t talk to me because he says I make him feel like a bad person and my oldest brother, who is about 1 foot and a half taller than me, actually told me that he looks up to me.

And I’m a college drop-out wholesale schedule 1 drug dealer ex-used car salesmen.

Literally and metaphorically, the only thing that I do that the rest of you don’t do, is I never ever shit where the people I care about can hear it or smell it.

Except my wife and I think she only married me because she doesn’t like it when other people touch her things.[/QUOTE]

Ha ha, my favorite thing to do is talk to my ex on the phone while pushing out a big turd, or taking a leak, or both. I remember the first time she figured it out, she was like, “Dammit, are you in the bathroom?” I was like, well, maybe…remember what it smells like ?

I crack myself up sometimes…

32

[QUOTE=Dung Beatles;3024377]Wouldn’t that be shit to think about? I have a hard enough time keeping food down as it is.[/QUOTE]

That’s a whole lot of wasted fertilizer, too.

Maybe we should start collecting and shipping to China, and other…less wasteful countires, where they still use humanure in agriculture.

In case you didn’t know…

http://humanurehandbook.com/

And know you know why Dung Beatles is Dung Beatles !

33

[QUOTE=submessenger;3024381]Another story time with submessenger:
(stop me if you’ve heard this one)
So, Haiti. Shit went south, for a bit, in the late 90’s. (edit: it was 1994, old man memory getting weak). Well, at least once a decade Haiti gets fucked, but this is my story. We stood by, for a bit, for NGFS. If you are not familiar with that term, that’s where you have a spotter on the beach calling in coordinates to land heavy ordnance - Naval GunFire Support. We had HE rounds, WP for nighttime illumination, and I cannot confirm nor deny the existence of battlefield nukes.

Well, we didn’t get to action on that. People were fleeing the island on anything that floated. We were repurposed to rescue the refugees and deliver them to GTMO (and to destroy their makeshift rafts, that’s another fun story which involves machine guns, grenades, and conflagration). You put a couple thousand people on the weatherdecks of a small ship, though, and you quickly realize that they have people needs, like food and poopage. So, we got to work on converting our refuelling stations (1 fore and 1 aft, on both sides of the ship) into loos. Curtains hung, 5-gallon buckets installed, and our head machinist made toilet seats from aluminum stock. Head machinist, LOL.

I’m standing watch on the forward starboard loo. My Spanish sucks, and my Creole is worse. Dude finishes his doody duty, and I ask him to dump it over the side. So, he takes the entire bucket, and throws it over the side. Loo #1 is now offline. Hilarity ensues.[/QUOTE]

Did you say Haiti ? I have a 2nd hand story, told in first person from a former buddy who was SF, and was in Haiti, probably same time you were.

Anyway, one involved a Ma Deuce and a Nepalese soldier. It seems that some Haitians decided to storm a position, or base, down on the docks. Can’t remember exactly. Long and short of it is, the “foreign” soldier on watch opened up on the crowd with the .50, and massacre ensued.

The other one involved gay Nepalese soldiers hitting on the SF guys at the (must have been U.N.) base. Much hilarity ensued, because the non-coms told the horny Nepalese officers that their C/O was gay…you can imagine the hilarity that ensued from that…

34

[QUOTE=Diesel_tke;3024372]When I do my elliptical workout, I just wear my underwear. I find it very inefficient to put on clothes just to get them all sweaty for a workout and then take them off to have to wash them. I’ll usually grab the undershirt that I’ve been wearing for the day and drape that over the front of the machine for moping the sweat out of my eyes. Consequently recently we went to DC for an award ceremony and I went and worked out in their gym. It was weird wearing clothes on the machine.

I also use a suspension trainer on my door at work. I usually at least take my shirt off while doing that. Which gets a little weird if someone knocks on my door while I’m working out. Most everyone recognizes the door anchor now and comes back later.[/QUOTE]

I am with you on this, i find it way too hot and constricting to run or lift with a lot of clothes anymore. But I think undies only is a bit scary…haha. Throw some tiny shorts on!

35

sub - can you please help us by cleaning up the excretion of posts that don’t belong here?

36

[QUOTE=BKR;3024437]It is the SHITpost thread, Lily. Including normally verboten profanity in the title, because author is site owner.[/QUOTE]

It’s a reasonable request, me or my Monkey will perhaps get to it, this evening.

37

Excreted from https://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=126338

38

Thank you sub.

39

[QUOTE=Lily;3024443]Thank you sub.[/QUOTE]

I aim to please, when I’m not aiming for the target in the center of the urinal cake.

40

[QUOTE=submessenger;3024438]It’s a reasonable request, me or my Monkey will perhaps get to it, this evening.[/QUOTE]

Looks like he is kinda busy at the moment…