I’ve been divorced for like 6 months now and have been making effort to go meet some new females. My goal is to find a good, independent girlfriend as opposed to keeping my dick wet.
Now 26, I’ve was married my entire adult life and so I’m trying to figure out these dating games for the first time.
At the risk of sounding naive, I’d like to share my observations/gameplans so far and invite your comments, criticisms, and insights. Especially any interested females, if y’all ever click on this subforum. I’ll leave out any mention of sex for now for the sake of my own privacy.
The first date: You show interest by asking her out. She shows interest by accepting. The tit-for-tat begins. Your primary goals on the first date are to demonstrate your abilities to a) be able to spend several hours with her without annoying her, b) listen to things she has to say and offer intelligible responses, and c) set up success in future dates by figuring out what makes her tick. Oh, and most importantly, d) get a second date. Don’t get drunk. If she wants to get drunk, keep in mind if she’s drunk on the first date she could get drunk everytime you hang out. Could be fun, could be depressing or annoying, YMMV.
I usually offer to buy the first round of drinks, this gives her the opportunity to buy the next. If she buys you drinks later in the evening its a good sign, and you have begun the tit-for-tat power sharing. If she is smiling and chatting still after hours of first date, it probably went well.
The call after the first date: Now the gamesmanship begins. You have to signal that you’d like to continue developing this proto-relationship. Apparently, calling the next day can be off-putting. I suspect that some females are fearful of a guy thinking about them that they don’t quite trust yet. Two days seems to allay this fear and, depending on the timing of the first date, gives her time to call you back to set something up for the weekend.
A great date may still warrant a next-day call. It communicates that you are thinking of her and want to continue forward. Every females draws the line between creepy and romantic differently for every guy they interact with. If she responds positively, it may be a sign she is as excited as you are.
She won’t answer your call. Somewhere along the way, maybe on that day in middle school where they split up the guys and girls, all females are trained to be elusive at the proto-relationship stage. She will wait one day to call you back if she is into you, because longer than that and she risks losing your interest. If she waits longer than that, either you didn’t impress her on date 1, she really liked you and is a nervous type, or she was just busy. You never really know.
Now what does she get with this elusiveness? Here’s my theory as to the benefits:
- She asserts control. She is controlling the pace of things.
- She sees how you react to her having control. If you bug her and don’t recognize the control she has at this point, you fail. Females know that in a successful relationship, each person has to give up some control. This is a test, let her be elusive.
She may tell you things she is doing during the week so that you can’t see her on certain nights. This is a good thing. Part of this elusiveness training females receive is the idea that if they pursue, the guy will run, but if they run the guy will pursue. She wants you to think she is socially engaged. She is inviting you to pursue her, stake a claim on her time. Or she is just busy, you never know.
When she does call, you’re only goal is to get her to commit to the 2nd date. Don’t try to chat about her day, save that for when y’all are married and have nothing else to talk about (I’ve been there). She’ll chat about her day with her girl friends.
2nd date: Shoot for a weekend. By committing a weekend to each other you are implying that, of all the things possible on a saturday night, the two of you think that spending time together is a top pick. This is the date where she decides whether you’re a friend or a lover. She’ll decide when to let you know what her conclusion is and you’ve got to let her.
Your goals: a) encourage her to think sexy thoughts by seeking opportunities to touch her, compliment her, and work in innuendos, b) continue to not annoy her, c) make her laugh.
She will be much more at ease now that y’all made it through date 1 and you have ceded some control to her. Have fun, try to let your guard down a little. Touch her but don’t be weird or nasty (unless thats what she likes). Dancing can be a good 2nd date. Movies can be if you’re smooth/old school enough to go for a hand hold or a arm around the shoulder. Karaoke if it suits both of you.
Continue tit-for-tatting, for example: you buy dinner, she buys drinks after. Give her opportunities to wield power and skill and recognize her for it. Pay attention to her and do nice things when opportunities present themselves.
Call after 2nd date: You may be setting precedence for the remainder of the relationship. Call wisely. If you call the next day, she may always expect next-day calls and get anxious/upset if you don’t call her immediately in the future. Or she could be chill and not care when you call her. She likely will still be in elusive mode. Just go with it. Tell yourself it means she likes you. Just get to that third date.
3rd date: Do something different. Do something during the day. If you went to bars for dates 1 and 2, go to the museum, go to the zoo, go to the dog park, go running, do something fun but in an environment you two haven’t been in before together. This makes things real as the two of you are entirely sober among the general population as opposed to drunk making out in the corner of a bar if you had a really fun date 1 or 2.
After 3rd date, start working on the rut you’ll soon be in. It’ll either be good or y’all will break up soon.
And martial arts nerds give dating advice in 3… 2…
