Before I started renting space at Memphis Martial Arts Center, I was working out at the YMCA quite a bit. They had a nice big floor with a wall of mirrors - a great space for doing forms, etc.
I was working out there one afternoon and some guy walked in and asked what I was doing. I told him, “Hung Gar Kung Fu.” He said he trained Northern Shaolin and asked if I wanted to do some “slap boxing.” I had never done that before and was hesitant, but I agreed.
We started circling each other and he moved in to slap me. I blocked and reached out to slap him. We did this for about 30 seconds and I finally felt the compulsion to just blast through him with a straight punch to the chest. We kept exchanging slaps and more and more I wanted to just blast through him and end the silliness. I continued to resist this impulse since we had not discussed that possibility in advance. Forutnately, after about 2 minutes he finally became too winded to continue and he had to stop.
For some reason the whole experience was a bit disturbing and I called my sifu to discuss it. I explained what had happened and how I felt compelled to “fight” him and how I also felt compelled to put him down but that I also felt that would not have been fair to put him down since he had proposed we do “slap boxing” instead of “fighting” or “kung fu” or what-have-you…
My sifu told me that I should not have allowed him to dictate the terms of the enagement. He explained to me the trap inherent in that kind of confrontation and that in the future, I would be well within my rights to either refuse the engagement or to agree to it but to do so on my terms, not his. He shared a couple of stories with me and in the end I was inspired.
Now, the following was not his suggestion, per se, but was certainly inspired by him. Here’s my new plan:
Over the next few months, I want to build a suit of armor. It’s going to have heavy plates of spikes on the shoulders, elbows, hands and around the waist, and on the knees and feet. It will also have some spikes sticking out the back and some random ones in other places. The helm will look somewhat like the Witch King’s helmet from Lord of The Rings. (That was the guy that “could not be killed by any man.”)
If someone “calls me out,” I will arrange to meet them at my school at a given time. When they arrive, I will be in the middle of the floor in my armor and helm. I will be holding a sword in one hand and a Glock .40 semiautomatic in the other (with polymer tipped hollow point rounds). The challenger will enter and I will call out to him to sign the Death Waiver already laid out on the counter by the front door.
As soon as he puts the pen down, I will shoot him in the head 6 times and unload the rest of the 10 rounds into his torso.
OK, I admit, I do tend to be an extremist… Maybe I’ll let him come at me before I shoot…