PMSing women- A Survival Guide

If you haven’t experienced PMS, then you are lucky. As in you’d be safe swimming the estuaries of far north Queensland lucky. This is true for men and women, but more for men. I’m sure women get to enjoy the psychoactive effects of all those hormones raging through their system, men cop it dead bang and for a man like myself that doesn’t drink, well, I have no anaesthetic for the pain. Unfortunately, we will never know, due to having no one to give a female version of events, this being the Internet and all. Oh, there will be trolls attempting to tell you otherwise, probably with female sounding names; Lily, Katriona, Sirc. But we all know the truth, there are no women on Bullshido, and if they claim to be, they are just confused men.

So as a male coming home on a delightful Tuesday, I may think, hey, here is a conversation starter! I reply, “You have cramps? Oh yeah, I get cramps all the time, shit, before I found Berocca I used to cramp up every night at training.” Bam, said the wrong thing, idiot.

“Want a hug?” Are you retarded, fuckbrain? She just told you she have cramps.

“Honey, you seem to be throwing a lot of objects at my head, is it that time of the month?” Oh, I done fucked up now.

Men know when it is the woman’s time of the month instinctually, a fact that I divulge on the internet safe in the knowledge that I am not revealing any secret men’s business to any women. The problem is when we live with women, we can’t escape them. Always use your instincts BEFORE moving in with them. Spend time with them on what would be their worst days and THEN decide whether you want to move in with them.

Men know it is the woman’s of the month. The woman knows it is their time of the month. And STILL the topic must be danced around like some sort of tribe preparing a cannibalistic feast. With the man in the stew with an apple stuffed in his fucking mouth. A woman will even tell you that it is coming up to that time of the month, possibly in conversation about how fucking stressful you, as the man, made everything last time she flipped out and decided you were emotionally unavailable. This is where you should start organising to help your friend move, clean out the garage, beat your head against the wall for forty eight hours.

Now, if you are retarded, you probably haven’t picked up on the subtle notion that I am in the thick of a PMSing woman at home and her resulting insanity. You would be blissfully unaware that at 3am last night she decided, as I lay next to her snoring, that I had neglected her emotional needs. She penned an exceptionally long text message and sent it to me so that when I woke up, I was greeted with a point form essay of the things I had done that made her feel like our relationship was on rocky ground. My reaction to this in the early hours before work was to ask in no uncertain terms, “what the fuck is this shit?” A question I rightly assumed had strong basis due to going to bed with her in my arms and a smile on both our faces.

Now, if you know anything about the PMSing woman, you will know that she is, at heart, a woman. And as we know from all those status updates on facebook and in no way predated the advent of the internet, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Asking in no uncertain terms, “what the fuck is this shit?” is apparently doing some serious scorning.

The other thing I know about women, being that I am a PhD in Womening, is that when they say they don’t hold grudges, they do. That when their fury is unleashed, the grudges are set upon the man, but not released, like several pitbulls sic’d on a bear but all of them retained on a leash. And once the job is done the pitbull’s chains are shortened and they are put in their cages at the pitbull adoption kennel, which is forever gathering more pitbulls for the next round on the bear. The bear is the man in this analogy.

So here I am, Day 1 of a three to four day ordeal, my mouth is dry, my heart rate is racing, my hands shaking and my head hurting. I am in need of sleep, but fear closing my eyes. Oddly enough the only thing I don’t fear is the severing of my penis, as she enjoys that too much, but I have legit concerns that if she found a way to make me a vegetable with working genitalia, I’d be fucked (and the coma would mean I wouldn’t enjoy it).

Welcome to adult life, my friend.

[QUOTE=battlefields;2606020]So here I am, Day 1 of a three to four day ordeal[/QUOTE]

Only 3-4 days? Lucky bastard!

And be thankful for the text as a wake-up call at 3am. Mine prefers an elbow/s, depending how heinous an act I performed in her ‘vivid dream that was just so real’.

Oh my gosh, that was funny (although I’m sure you’re not laughing). Um…there are women on Bullshido and if you’re interested in obtaining a better understanding of the joyous events that we women, excuse me - I mean confused men - are blessed with every month, then I would recommend reading this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Once-Month-Understanding-Treating-PMS/dp/0897932560/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1316585529&sr=8-3

It’s controversial but interesting (or it could be totally boring to you - I don’t know, I’m just tryin’ to help) and shows that there are a lot worse things that can happen with PMS (not to downplay your suffering). Good Luck!

Told you some confused dude with a female sounding name would come out of the woodwork. Appreciate you appreciating my humour, bro!

So, either moronic pseudo-clever troll (my vote) or actual moron.

PMS is a crock.

Women in the Western world use it as an excuse to abuse their friends and men.

Men use it as a comforting mental crutch (See, women are all irrational!)

Anyone who either uses it or falls for it is a misogynist fool or a self-hating bitch.

NO OTHER CULTURE ON THE PLANET BELIEVES IN THIS CRAP.

[QUOTE=Quiet Girl;2606037]Oh my gosh, that was funny (although I’m sure you’re not laughing). Um…there are women on Bullshido and if you’re interested in obtaining a better understanding of the joyous events that we women, excuse me - I mean confused men - are blessed with every month, then I would recommend reading this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Once-Month-Understanding-Treating-PMS/dp/0897932560/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1316585529&sr=8-3

It’s controversial but interesting (or it could be totally boring to you - I don’t know, I’m just tryin’ to help) and shows that there are a lot worse things that can happen with PMS (not to downplay your suffering). Good Luck![/QUOTE]

Any man that is not a doctor and decides to read a book about a womans menstral cycle needs to have his cock cut off.

If a man is in such dire straights that he would consider reading such a delightfull book then he is fucked anyways.

There is no sanctuary!

just root em and kick em to the kerb.

[QUOTE=JKDChick;2606059]So, either moronic pseudo-clever troll (my vote) or actual moron.

PMS is a crock.

Women in the Western world use it as an excuse to abuse their friends and men.

Men use it as a comforting mental crutch (See, women are all irrational!)

Anyone who either uses it or falls for it is a misogynist fool or a self-hating bitch.

NO OTHER CULTURE ON THE PLANET BELIEVES IN THIS CRAP.[/QUOTE]

Preach it!! I totally agree with you. It’s too bad, though, that you have to be a woman to get away with saying such thoughts out loud.

[QUOTE=cualltaigh;2606030]Only 3-4 days? Lucky bastard!

And be thankful for the text as a wake-up call at 3am. Mine prefers an elbow/s, depending how heinous an act I performed in her ‘vivid dream that was just so real’.[/QUOTE]

Hah! I get that one too. I’ve been given the cold shoulder all day for some offence i committed in her dreams.

Whereabouts in Brisbane do you train?

[QUOTE=JKDChick;2606059]So, either moronic pseudo-clever troll (my vote) or actual moron.

PMS is a crock.

Women in the Western world use it as an excuse to abuse their friends and men.

Men use it as a comforting mental crutch (See, women are all irrational!)

Anyone who either uses it or falls for it is a misogynist fool or a self-hating bitch.

NO OTHER CULTURE ON THE PLANET BELIEVES IN THIS CRAP.[/QUOTE]

Yeeeaah, I’m kind of with this. The worst I ever get from my wife is asking me to pick her up some Midol and pads if I’m already out. Or telling me that she feels crazy and irrational, so she’s going to be antisocial for a bit, but it’s not my fault. MAYBE a snippy remark immediately followed by an apology for taking her hormones out on me. I’m reasonably certain she doesn’t have magic powers, she just doesn’t believe in using her biology as a free ticket to be a heinous bitch. She does, however, think that “for every bitch who’s trippin’, there’s an equal number of guys out there who make things worse by writing off everything women say during their period as irrational and hormone-fueled, which really doesn’t help the situation a whole lot.” Her words on that one. At the end of the day, gender stereotypes are not your friend.

And I’m kind of surprised to see the dream thing is that widespread. I actually knew a guy whose girlfriend had a dream where he was a jerk, so she rolled over and slapped him when she woke up. After expressing what I felt was the rational opinion that this was pretty fucked up, he told me to knock off talking bad about his girlfriend, because that wasn’t cool. He gets smacked across the face because an imaginary version of him made an imaginary mistake, and I’m the one getting told off?

[QUOTE=Sang;2606139]Hah! I get that one too. I’ve been given the cold shoulder all day for some offence i committed in her dreams.

Whereabouts in Brisbane do you train?[/QUOTE]

Yeah, these days I just quip 'YOU might love me but your subconscious thinks I’m an asshole!".

I train in Gumdale, I wrote a dojo review recently. Why do you ask?

Day 2 and I feel like I should be writing this from a bunker in a blackout, bombs dropping and sporadic small arms fire in the not too distant distance, with a mini torch in my mouth as I scribble in a book on my knees huddled with a mangy military green blanket over me. Just kidding, all is well. Day 1 was an anomaly, I hope. Things aren’t exactly “back to normal”, it’s still “walking on eggshells” status, but at least it’s not “dodging mortar shells”.

Anyway, I wish I could agree with you, JKDChick, I really do. I also wish I could use shaming language like you and many other women have honed to an art, “pseudo-clever troll”, “misogynistic fool” and “self hating bitch”, you know, those words you use when you want to make it appear like the “womens” is either the victim of some patriarchal conspiracy, or a collaborator in it. I wish that it was some misogynistic shit I come up with every four-ish weeks that in some way allows me to enslave woman-kind. I honestly do.

Neo Sigma, the thing is I agree with your missus’ assessment in part. Men indeed write off things done around this time as hormone fuelled, irrational, etc. Fuck, I was doing it yesterday, she’d say something and my immediate reaction was, “is this another attack?!?” And in many cases I had to stop myself, recoup and reply neutrally, as my immediate response was defensive. Do you know why? Because throughout the day she had been peppering our conversations with button pushing remarks and challenges.

In fact, I spoke too soon, she has started emo shit via text. Stress levels rising.

Battlefields, while I feel your pain, I also agree with JKD Chick. It seems to me like somewhat of an excuse to do away with minor social niceties.

I get cluster headaches, google them. Apparently they make childbirth look like a papercut, so take that women! Anyway, I dont use them as an excuse to act like a cunt, so why women should get exemption from social behaviour is beyond my reasoning.

[QUOTE=battlefields;2606020]Some words about living with a woman.[/QUOTE]
So I take it the honeymoon is over?

LOL, I was wondering when someone would bring this up, thanks, jnp. Shit, some of you here at Bullshido would know more about my personal life than my best friends.

Yes, it seems the honeymoon is over. Still getting sex, though, which is a novel experience.

[QUOTE=battlefields;2606466]LOL, I was wondering when someone would bring this up, thanks, jnp. Shit, some of you here at Bullshido would know more about my personal life than my best friends.

Yes, it seems the honeymoon is over. Still getting sex, though, which is a novel experience.[/QUOTE]

You dont know thats how it works? The sex is the trade-off, it allows for the emotional battery to occur. You cant complain if you’re getting laid right?

:RedEyes:

[QUOTE=The Juggernoob;2606468]You dont know thats how it works? The sex is the trade-off, it allows for the emotional battery to occur. You cant complain if you’re getting laid right?

:RedEyes:[/QUOTE]

OH DEAR GOD! Why didn’t I see this earlier? Then again: Doesn’t matter, had sex.

My previous relationship was like a constant emotional battering, only with sex once every four weeks. It’s the opposite in this relationship, constant sex with an emotional battering every four weeks. I don’t know about you, but I did the math and it was a fucking landslide victory in favour of this relationship. And that isn’t including the fact that she is a phenomenal chef.

Also, things get easier the calmer I am. If I arc up, she arcs up and being very similar people, neither of us backs down and both, seemingly without wanting to, will escalate the situation. I know she sends “innocent” messages that have button pushing qualities so that when I confront her about them, I look the ogre overreacting to her innocent comment. She either knows she does it and it is malicious or she doesn’t know and it is some sort of hormonal subconscious fucking with me to legitimise the feeling of being hormonal. When I remember that it is likely the latter, I am calm and am able to chill out, handle the situation with aplomb. When I forget and just see someone trying their best to piss me off, well, let’s just say I tend to get pissed off.

So I gotz to be calm.

Being calm can also be an issue. If you act too passive, they eventually lose their shit because they arnt getting any response from you. In this scenario DO NOT point out that they’re losing their temper with no provocation and for no identifiable reason.

If you make the mistake of opening that door, you will never be able to shake the knowledge that a woman can and will argue against you by simply pretending you’re responding to her.

The only way to defuse that bomb is by accepting that an argument will happen, picking a target of low value i.e. “Yes, you’re right, im totally insensitive, I dont respect how hard it is to paint fingernails” and just take the thrashing.

Picking a low value target saves you from having to lose things you really care about.

I did NOT give you any rights to equip my house Big Brother-style, juggernoob. Get out of my head.

And the low value target thing, I’m not so good at that, I’ll work on it. I think the four years of always being in the wrong, saying sorry for things I don’t remember doing, saying sorry for shit I wasn’t sorry for doing and constantly being in “the doghouse”, or as was described to me best, “you’re always in the shit, it’s just the depth that varies”. No, I decided when I stopped drinking that I didn’t need to apologise if I was not in the wrong. This hasn’t helped me do what you are proposing, last month she attacked how easy it must be to have an office job like mine, so I replied with as much sarcasm as I could muster, “yeah, it must suck having a job where you get to stand around all day with your friends talking with other women while doing their hair about hairstyles, fashion and other gossip, I know how much women hate that sort of thing!” It didn’t help my cause.