I drank 14 cement mixers in 90 minutes once. The bar in question subsequently banned dropshots on wristband night. And hired a new bouncing staff. And closed their balcony. And replaced all their real plants with plastic ones. And passed a strict “do not pick up three balls from a money pool game and start juggling them” rule.
For Escrimidor: It was that shithole, Sidelines.
For Dozer, here is a guide to drinking:
avoid shots with funny names unless you are buying a round of them for a table full of people.
You may be tempted to order a dry martini, shaken not stirred, with barely any vermouth, like james bond. Be aware that this is essentially a quadruple shot of straight gin with three olives in it.
I recommend you start with a tanqueray and tonic. I (tanqueray is a brand of gin).
Then have a vodka cranberry. This is commonly held to be a woman’s drink but it will fortify your shit with it’s sugar and vitamin C.
Then you should have something called a “black and tan”
This will lead you to be curious about the two layers in the black and tan, and you will try them separately.
Then you’ll order a murphy’s stout.
Then you’ll order a six pack of rolling rock, to go, and drink it on the subway. Then you’ll go BACK to the bar and have an irish coffee. Then you’ll realize that you’re wasting space on coffee and just order three fingers of jameson.
NOW you order a round of cement mixers for your “bros”
inform them before imbibing that you will always place those for whom you feel fraternal bonds ordinally ahead of women practitioners of the world’s oldest profession.
Shoot.
IF you keep that down, it’s the time in the night when you start ordering faggoty fruit basket shots for anything with clevage. (this may lead to forswearing your recent oath, but that’s cool you’re drunk) This is also the time to order “a perfect manhatten” or a mexican flag, or a grasshopper, or a stone fence, or a boilermaker, or any other stupid thing you heard charles bronson order in a movie and want to try once.
This is the point where I begin to pickup a mild buzz and swtich to my patented tipple - the “anna kournkova” - this is a tripple white russian in a tall glass, with a cherry on top.
Once you have your white russian in hand, I won’t say you’re a hero, because what’s a hero? But you might just be the man for your time and place.
abide.
