I rented that new Star Wars Battlefront 2 game (Which is totally worth a rental and even a discount purchase sometime next year), when suddenly it said, “Would you like to play as General Grievous?” and I was all like “DUDE WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK?” and punched my dog in the face, which caused PETA to bitch before I cockslapped them. Later, it asked, “Would you like to play as Darth Maul?”, and them some more stuff happened. I can’t think of any good internet cliches to use.
Anyway, since they were both buttfucked by George Lucas into being backseat villains with shitty deaths, I’ve decided to rewrite the trilogy.
Episode I: The movie begins in an orphanage in a terrible part of some crazy city in space. The place is obviously underfunded and the children are barely alive. Meanwhile, people who have amassed huge fortunes without actually contributing to society and dicking around in massive houses being fat and greedy. Cut to a young boy who decides that it’s time for change, that he’ll help the oppressed overcome their oppressors.
Suddenly, Darth Maul bursts in and kills all the children. Then he kills all the other poor people. Then the rich people. Then the wildlife. The rest of the movie involves him flying his spaceship to other planets and killing all the inhabitants.
Episode II: Darth Maul has killed like a billion people now, and is on his way to whatever planet Grievous is on, because Dooku was a stupid sack of soggy penises. He arrives thinking all the people here will be pussy liberals bickering with pussy conservatives over silly things like abortion and gay marriage where the answer is fucking obvious: it doesn’t affect you and it doesn’t really matter, so shut the fuck up and let two men dick each other in the butt.
Instead, he arrives on a planet of robots. Now, the Trade Federation robots weren’t all that cool, but they’re still robots and robots don’t bitch (except the single one in episode III that said “ouch”, but he sucked cocks). Suddenly, General Grievous shows up and whips out his penis. Darth Maul whips out his own penis, and they find they their penises are nearly as hueg as Xbox. Realizing that they both rock, they use their beef jerky vision to produce like a hundred pounds of the stuff and feast, before flying off to stomp on everyone else’s balls.
Episode III: They arrive on Courscant or whatever that city planet was called, and start killing everybody (naturally). The Jedi, being pussies, are all like “dude wtf” and Darth Maul is like “IM IN UR BASE,” then Grievous finishes with “KILLIN UR D00DS” and they give each other a high five before they kill all the Jedi. Suddenly Darth Vader (who is also awesome) shows up with like a ton of beer and a bunch of lesbians and some pirates and they party.
I think it would have been infinitely better if each movie was just three hours of stuff like this. It might eventually get boring to see a lightsaber staff and quadruple lightsabres, so maybe they could break it up with lesbian sex and give out free burritos.
Just kidding. Obviously they’d constantly be fighting in the middle of a lesbian orgy and they wouldn’t give out just burritos, they’d give you root beer too.