it's my birthday!!! let's wake up confused!!!

Reviews, Videos, and Everything Else The Finer Things
1

i turned 26 today.

i celebrated last night–went to a Japanese Teppon steak place and had 3 13 oz bottles of nigori sake. i don’t know how much you guys can drink… but 40 oz of sake is alot for someone of my build.

i woke up this morning… naked… with my hair curly and for some reason… i fucking smell like vanilla and apples (which i fucking hate)… my nails and toenails are glittery (which i don’t remember painting)… and my crotch was shaved with a little triangle landing strip (which is something i NEVER do–it’s either bare or stubbly). AND my entire body hurts like hell… whiskey-tango-FOXTROT???

anyway… happy birthday to me…:eusa_danc

as a gift to me… share some stories of waking up awkward, not remembering what you did the night before.

2

Well i started the night by drinking a concotion that my friend Jero “Lazy Magnet” Harris calls Robo Cop V.S. Swampthing which is a bottle of Robotussin poured into a 40oz of Steel Reserve. I woke up in Cape Cod in the back of a VW Rabbit truck with my pants on backwards and some elses shirt. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomache and had vague recollections of chasing Manatee off the Massachusetts National Shoreline. shrugs Like P.M. Dawn says " that’s the way it goes, i guess. "

3

Woke up with leg hair died purple, a home made Jim’ll fix it medalion/badge. Wrapped up in cling film, a giant smiley face written on my back and my hair sprayed blue. Apperantly my friends also carried me down stairs and were gonna put me in the shed but decided against it.

I would be annoyed if someone shaved my crotch…, or pleased…I dont know >_>

4

lol Jadonblade.

i remember when i was a teenager, my friends and i got shitfaced on the beach… and one guy passed out in the sand. i took some zinc and drew some curly haired balls with a gigantic cock shooting little tadpole looking things on his back. about 3 hours later, he wakes up and we skate home.

one of my other friends calls me up the next day… telling me the guy called him and asked him who drew the cock on him.

i just about died right then and there.

5

No stories about me, but the weirdest one I ever witnessed was an old friend of mine got utterly shit-faced to the point he was pretty much incoherent, but hilarious.
We left him (safe) at his house and went our separate ways.
My phone rang about 3pm the next day, and a voice I didn’t recognise said - in a broad Scottish accent - “mate, whut the heel happen’d tae me las’ neet?”.
I’m like “sorry, who is this - do you have the wrong number?”
Turns out my friend woke up with the Scots accent and couldn’t quite work out how to not be Scottish.
It lasted for about 3 days.
Many crank calls ensued, and he used it as an excuse not to go buy drinks.

EDIT:happy birthday Fes!

6

Like 6 months ago I was out on a Sunday night having a couple beers at a local Alehouse, where they have a great special, $2 American microbrew pints. The special ends at 9, so that’s when I was planning on going home. It was a little cold out when we got there, but because I lived close by and was driven there, I just had on a t-shirt and shorts. I ran into a female friend, who introduced me to her friend. We hit it off pretty well, and at 9 we decided to go to another bar, which was a couple miles from my house.
I had already had a lot of really strong beer, and then we had a lot of shots and such at this bar. The last thing I remember was trying to walk this girl out of the bar after she’d puked in the bathroom, and she fell onto a table full of people and drinks. The next thing I remember is sitting in a little SUV, and there’s a womans shouting at me, shouting that I’m stealing her stuff, and there are maybe ten people standing around, I fall out of the jeep, the lady’s still shouting at me, and everyone’s staring at me. The woman is black, all the people are black, and I’m not in a good part of town. I decide that “she invited me in the car,” shout this at everyone, and run.
After jogging a couple blocks I realize that it’s dropped from maybe 60 degrees that day to about 35. I deduce that I was walking home, got really cold, and just hopped into an unlocked car to get warm/pass out. I’m just lucky the car didn’t belong to some big angry dudes, or a lady more prone to call the police.

7

ah yes!, happy birthday!

8

Man sake is the new tequila

I like how you don’t realize how much you’ve had until you stand up

9

Met some chick that reeked of alcohol stumbling around in the parking lot after dinner. She said something about getting separated from the rest of her group. I tried to call her a cab, but she couldn’t remember where she lived, and said she was horny. She looked like hell, but there wasn’t shit on TV, so I took her back to the hotel.

So, I put her drunk ass in the shower to wash off the vomit, and went to the 7-11 to get some condoms (donkey size). When I came back, she looked a little better and smelled okay. She had curled her hair and was attempting to groom herself despite the fact that she was still dry heaving. She was a little ghetto for my taste, but like I said - nothing on TV.

Anyway, she started rambling on about dumb shit, so I just told her to shut the hell up, since she’s just a woman and couldn’t possibly have anything of value to say. She seemed okay with that and asked me to do her in the butt, so I did - first with my massive member, then with the handle from a mop I found in the hall.

She liked it rough, and said that was how her Daddy used to do it to her. Well, that freaked me out, but it wasn’t my problem, so I let her have it. I beat the shit out of that stupid skank until she cried and begged me to stop. I poured hot wax from a vanilla candle all over her, and made her bite an apple and hold it in her mouth like a pig at a barbecue.

I kept this up until I got bored with abusing her, then threw her clothes to her and told her to get the hell out. She asked for cab money since her welfare check hadn’t come in, but I just kicked her out the door and told her to get steppin’. She kept begging, “but please, please, it’s my birthday!” I just laughed, locked the door, took a shit, and went to bed.

10

Happy Birthday Fes!!!

I’m going to call you out about your age though…you look 19.

11

True story - I had a girl accidentally call me daddy one night. Like she accidentally said it, looked at me to see if I noticed and we both kind of stopped for this long, awkward pause.

Then I shrugged and went back to work.

12

I believe the standard response to this kind of comment is “Pics plz or it didn’t happen”

13

Happy B-Day!

Pics or work.

Hm…
Woke up in jail, started puking repeatedly. Someone said I was running down the street with a bottle of tequila in the middle of winter. Makes sense.

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images or labor.

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woke up in the process of having sex with the ugliest girl I’ve ever been with. Stared at her stupidly for a few minutes as she was bouncing up and down on me, all jiggly and sweaty. faked and orgasm (apparently i had the presence of mind to put on a condom, amazing as that sounds given that I had no idea where I was, who I was with, and, most importantly, why) rolled her off me, stumbled to the bathroom, stumbled outside, stumbled to my car, and drunk-drove home.

This was a while ago :slight_smile:

16

and happy birthday

17

I was busy making a birthday cake with cinnamon, vanilla and apples, and making a party hat with some glitter.

Then all of a sudden, this drunk, naked Eskimo-looking chick with a bad perm comes in and asks me to shave her.

I say: “What? No! I’m preparing for a birthday party here. Get out of here!”

She says: “Jst fuckkn do it ya twat. Im itches, cant ya see?”

I say: “Listen, I don’t know who you are, but you need a wash and some yoghurt, lady.”

Instead, she grabs a kitchen knife, and starts hacking away at herself. She’s about halfway through, and then she passes out. It now looks like a lopsided ebony pyramid landed upside down above her mons - not pretty.

But anyway, I rug her up, take her address from her My Little Pony purse, and drop her home.

As I leave, she screams: “I’m thirty tonight! Happy bipday to me, happy bipday to me! Yayyyy…”

18

I believe she was screaming “I’m dirty”… it’s the Eskimo accent, apparently.

19

Is 26 old or do I have to wait to make menopause jokes?

20

Happy belated Fes…sounds like a helluva time.