I have been somewhat dating this girl for a few months now. I really like her, never been able to talk to a girl like this. Never been able to play video games with a girl and enjoy sports together. Not saying I am in love, just saying this is a great chick and I am enjoying the relationship. But she was in a very abusive relationship before. She cringes whenever I touch her. I have done everything I can to be patient and understanding. She has made some great progress I think. We can hold hands fine and she was able to wear a bathing suit at a pool party. (She changed quickly back into normal clothes, but it was a step) Her ex decided to harass her again. Texting, phonecalls, emails and what not. Now she is moving to stay with her cousin to get away.
She wont let me do anything to the guy or tell me anything about him. Not his name, his phone number, email nothing. I questions her friends and they wont tell me anything. She did break things off with me. But she wanted to be just friends. She told me why she can’t be in a relationship right now. Didn’t need an explanation.
Thats pretty much the story. I want to help, but I don’t know how. I would love nothing more than to drag that fucker behind my truck. But I dont even know who he is. Is there anyone who has experience in these areas?
While the natural reaction is to go after the guy, just don’t do that.
It will backfire in your face bigtime:
she will consider you as a brute, not as a knight in shining armor
the legal problems you will get by playing the vigilante will haunt you for the rest of your life (court, work, relationships)
You can’t change her behaviour towards other men by being a “nice guy”, so that she sees that there exsist other men than abusive assholes, only a psychiater/psychologe/therapist can help her in that process and a lot of time.
Your window of opertunity will pass by (or already passed by) to become more than a friend, since she’s not ready for a relationship in the present time, in the best case you will become her best friend and confidant, but that’s all. (just a case of bad timing, not your fault)
sucks? Doesn’t it. Just be there as a friend and a listening ear.
Yeah definitely don’t fill him in. It’s sorely tempting and the twat has it coming but word will most likely get back to her and there’s a high chance that it won’t go down well. It’s a bitter pill but it’s for her sake.
Zendokans right about the heart break as well, i hate to say it but the damage has been done with her. I don’t mean wright her off as a friend but relationships with people like that are very, very hard to manage and rarely work. Obviously noones identicle and you might work it out but I think you should just try and be a good, supportive mate.
Well I am doing my best to be supportive. Act like I am happy and talk about other things. All I can think about is breaking that fucker in half. I get her, well I dont but I do. I know that it takes for ever for the victims to realize they are victims and how they can defend their attacker. I know about that. But WTF is up with the friends? To quote one “Just drop it, its really not a big deal”. How can you be OK with a friend getting tormented?
Because people are afraid to intervine and/or (mostly and) don’t want to see ‘bad’ things happen around them.
The oustrich-syndrome (no official syndrome, but you get the point).
Stop talking strong, even on the internet. You think you have the guts to put somebody in hospital? Go and try it, then. Because I bet you don’t.
Her life, not yours. Who are you, again? - Oh, that dude she dates for a few months. Yeah, that so totally gives you the right to make decissions for her. Means, relationships are built on mutual respect and equality. If you feel the urge to behave like her father or her doctor, it’s already broken. SHE must overcome this, not YOU.
If you really care about her, be there when called. There is a thin difference between showing and expression and compassion and support, and trying to take over someone’s responsibilities.
Yepp, what Zendo said, only in a more in-ya-face manner.
That’s what her friends are telling you, not necessarily what they actually think. Many females who have been abused have a strong desire to avoid any sort of situation that would dredge up memories of their past trauma. So, maybe her friends are running interference. Or they could just be idiots.
I have no idea how often you have broached the topic of her abuse or her abuser, but if you have brought it up more than she is comfortable with, she might actually be cutting you off a bit because she doesn’t want you stirring things up in that area.
Don’t try to be a white knight, especially by obsessing over her abuser. You care about the girl, you don’t know shit about the guy. Do you think your time and effort is better spent letting yourself get caught up in a violent fantasy that won’t make this girl feel better, or by helping this girl build up a new chapter of her life that is untainted the history of her past abuse?
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is that she really needs to seek out other supports, whether from individual therapy or group counseling. Trauma Instead of focusing on the guy who did it, focus on what you can do with her. And that may not be much, at this point she might rather have all those coping mechanisms in place rather than look for ways and reasons to move on.
I dont think it will help you get back with her, but maybe you can set her on the first step of a good path.
[quote=Zendokan;2417933]You’re setting YOURSELF up for some heartbreak.
While the natural reaction is to go after the guy, just don’t do that.
It will backfire in your face bigtime:
she will consider you as a brute, not as a knight in shining armor
the legal problems you will get by playing the vigilante will haunt you for the rest of your life (court, work, relationships)
You can’t change her behaviour towards other men by being a “nice guy”, so that she sees that there exsist other men than abusive assholes, only a psychiater/psychologe/therapist can help her in that process and a lot of time.
Your window of opertunity will pass by (or already passed by) to become more than a friend, since she’s not ready for a relationship in the present time, in the best case you will become her best friend and confidant, but that’s all. (just a case of bad timing, not your fault)
sucks? Doesn’t it. Just be there as a friend and a listening ear.[/quote]
And I’ll tell you one thing. It is impossible to have a meaningful physical realionship with one who was abused without them undergoing some form of treatment or indeed having a long time to get over it. And i’m not so sure about the second one Bro.
And as hard as you’ll try you’ll never truly understand without having been in one yourself. And even then, every abusive situation/relationship is a subtly different kind of hell particular to the people involved.
But sure you never know you trying may be important to her and fair play to you for giving it a shot a lot of men out there wouldn’t.
Be her friend and someone worthy of trust. If all you get is angry about yer man she’ll sense that tension in you (abuse victims are very sensitive to the moods of others-its a survival trait) and never want to talk about it to you.
Try not to be angry with him, be sad/sensitive for her.
In a few months/years time, with help, who knows?
Zendokan. Well said sir. Apparently I have a crush on you.
Push-ups
But WTF is up with the friends? To quote one “Just drop it, its really not a big deal”. How can you be OK with a friend getting tormented?
Or, maybe her friends are spot on. I have no idea if this is the case with you and her, but I have seen girls avoid some guy, intimacy with some guy, dating some guy, touching some guy, etc. all on the pretext of having some kind of personal problem or trauma they just can’t get past, only to have ZERO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER with some other guy. Because, though I’m sure they did have some kind of personal problem/trauma in their life at some point, it was really just the case that they weren’t that into the guy who they wouldn’t let close to them.
Not trying to accuse you of being an ugly loser or anything, but I’ve seen this happen and I have to be honest, it is one of the things that popped into my head when I read your story. It could be you’re just not the guy for her, ya know? (If that’s even the case, which it may not be.)
First of all, Pilgrim, telling someone to try to ‘put someone in a hospital’ is fucking stupid, sarcastic or not. You know better then that, I hope.
A girl I used to talk to (my friend’s sister) was raped about a year ago. You did not specify the nature of the abuse the girl recieved but I got the impression it was more about domestic violence. Still, all I can recommend is that you get her in touch with support groups as nothing you say can help and will possibly alienate you from her (I mean you in the sense of someone who has not been abused in such a manner, not trying to say you have some failing as a person). In the case of my the girl I knew, all I did was help her find some help and offer to drive her there. There are reasons there are specialists in these types of things, as they are apparently a minefield you aren’t trained to navigate.
One thing, I am not some internet tough guy. I work as a bouncer during the school year and my first roomate in college tried to kill his girlfriend in our room. I walked in on him strangling her. I put him in the hospital after I broke his shoulder. I am a really nice guy, but I am 6’6 285lbs. I have done martial arts for a long time. I am no where near the level that most of you guys are at, but I am no pencil neck geek either.
I am not trying to get into her pants. As I said this was something different. If she doesnt want to be with me I am OK with that. I am young, I will have another woman. But to see her go back to hiding herself is sad to see. Its weird, I know abused women wore long clothes and big sunglasses to hide the physical bruises, but she goes back to wearing them whenever she feels threatened. Like the clothes cover up the bruises on the inside. I want to do what I can to be a good friend. Thanks for all your help guys. Especially zendokan, spot on I guess.
What I do know about the other guy:
He would abuse her verbally and physically. I dont know if there was any sexual abuse.
I know he was a major control freak. Would text her constantly wondering where she was. She transfered from her job to another city because of it.
I also know that I am the 1st boyfriend since the psycho.
I’m young also but from what I have seen, girls with previous issues attract and tolerate that sort of behavior from their boyfriends. It might not be just that guy that makes her the way she is. My advice is to stay away from her. But I like to be with girls that add to what I am and not retract… however but you live and learn and have fun on the way right?
Agree with the advice so far through experience. My advice, be careful, abuse victims tend to develop manipulative tactics, needed to survive in abusive relationships, but are venom fro healthy ones.
Damaged goods are damaged goods. If she want’s to improve the quality of her life she has to make that choice. Other wise, she’s damaged goods.
Her friends sound like spineless cunts, might even add to the problem but then again I wouldn’t call these types of people friends in the first place.
I don’t mean to sound crude or to over simplify the matter, it’s a major hell hole, but you should just let her do her own thing. Worst comes to worst you forget about her and move on. Just don’t set your self up.
but I’ve seen this happen and I have to be honest, it is one of the things that popped into my head when I read your story. It could be you’re just not the guy for her, ya know? (If that’s even the case, which it may not be.)