Commentary: Kung-fu moves lack sufficient manliness
Leave sophistication to unskilled girly men and Hollywood movies
By Curtis Chow
Fourth-year economics student
Anyone else notice Hollywood’s strong tendency to implement unrealistic ninja moves in their choreographed fight scenes? If you’re like me, you probably miss the good ol’ days, where fights were fights and not these sissy dance grooves we’re presented with today. So Neo knows kung fu and can fly - so what?
I’ll bet he’d cower in terror at the thought of receiving a good ol’ fashioned “one, two, punch to the groin.” It’s practical, and it works without all the superfluous froufrou ninja moves.
Seeing as how our generation of men is one step away from becoming pretty princess ballerinas, I’ve decided to help everyone out by writing a guide to “fighting like a real man.”
This rule shouldn’t even need to be mentioned, but just in case, “Real men don’t use girly moves.” That’s right. This means no scratching, kicking of the shin, slapping or anything else indicating that it might be your time of the month. Any of the aforementioned moves will result in the immediate forfeit of your man card.
“Real men never assume a fighting position with a double knife-hand.” This position is a dead giveaway that you’ve either taken “American karate” or that you are merely pretending like you’ve studied some sort of martial arts. Either way, you’ve just telegraphed your ineptitude at fighting, and your bluff will be called.
“Real men block with their faces.” We don’t dodge or deflect blows. Blocking a punch or a kick with your face is the ultimate mark of manliness. Sometimes, just to prove that I am extra tough, I’ll even strike with my face.
“Real men use head-butts.” There are many schools of thought about how to master this technique. I submit that the proper way of implementing the head-butt is to bend at the waist so that your torso is perpendicular to your legs, and then to charge. Your arms can be either pinned to your side, or for extra style, you can make fists and flail them in a circular motion while you run.
“Real men throw haymaker punches.” The real man has no regard for effectiveness or strategic value of his strikes. The haymaker punch is executed by cocking your fist all the way behind your head, charging and letting loose in a flail of fury. This move is typically executed when intoxicated or in cowboy saloon fights.
“Real men wear flannel shirts while they fight.” Nothing is more intimidating or manly than the flannel shirt. It flies in the face of conventional dress attire, and moreover exudes a “you want to make something of it?” attitude. The flannel shirt is like a modern-day coat of arms. Display it proudly in battle.
“Traditional martial arts moves look silly in real fights.” Traditional martial arts rarely look cool outside of martial arts studios and movies. You might be a kung-fu master, and you could be an incredible fighter; however, in a real fight, you’ll probably look silly executing traditional movements.
So now that you know how to fight like a real man, you’ll probably want to go out and practice your newly acquired skills. I would recommend starting with the elderly, as they rarely put up much of a fight. Try head-butting grandpa a few times before moving on to children, and eventually to friends and loved ones of equal stature.
And remember, your new powers are to be used only in self-defense or to impress the ladies.
Mildly amusing.