At what point is it hell no territory?

Reviews, Videos, and Everything Else The Finer Things
1

Ok, so as some of you know in the last few months I got back involved with someone I dated at uni, we only split because her family dragged her back to the states to push her into the air force (didnt work, BPD got in the way). Now, she’s wanting us to be talking about marriage and shit, and that’s cool for down the line, but I’m starting to think this might be getting a bit one sided.

She basically wants a sexless, childless marriage, where i give up my life here to move to the USA with her. She’s offered to make it an open thing, which is generous of her (though Im actually very strictly interested in her exclusively so it seems pointless), but Im not cool with leaving here. Main reason being is I have a life here, and not to be rude, shes lived a nomadic life without settling anywhere, so going to the states she wouldn’t have a life to go back to either (especially with the friction between her and her parents over her being Bi and not following the family traditions of joining the forces). I know some of this could be mental health based stuff but it seems like a pretty one sided deal to me. I know its early days and maybe I shouldn’t think too hard on it, but when I try to negotiate with her on this and she just goes ‘no’ and tries to shut down any communication on any of the matters I’ve talked about. Not even in a ‘now’ sort of way, Im talking down the line if ever.

And lets not even start on the ‘I have anxiety so I don’t think I can hold a job, therefore I wont try.’ That’s literally a huge blow to a livelihood together.

I know she’s got a lot going on and she has mental health concerns, and this is her first actual relationship, but I’m feeling like I could end up unhappy if this remains the stance. I’m going to keep trying to talk to her, but is any of this looking red flag to anyone or is it just me? I mean, I could be thinking very hard about not wasting my time, given the complete collapse of my world as i know it, from recent events, and I might just be overthinking it and being unreasonable myself?

One of my big turn offs with this has been that despite knowing my current situation she’s not taking any action to address her smoking habit (and its about 4 packs a week from my count of her being here last).

2

Seriously, bro? Let me help. I’m an expert.

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

You must be a grotesque, Shrek looking motherfucker if you’re even asking these questions. Basically, there’s nothing good about this bitch. What is even the question here? You’re thirsty as fuck or this wouldn’t even be a topic of discussion. PM me and I’ll put you on some pussy.

3

I’m still laughing about your question as to whether any of that looks like a red flag to anyone. Uh…yeah. All of it. It looks like a story about red flags. It looks like a list of red flags that would be used for a red flag training class.

4

[QUOTE=Devil;3035791]Seriously, bro? Let me help. I’m an expert.

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

You must be a grotesque, Shrek looking motherfucker if you’re even asking these questions. Basically, there’s nothing good about this bitch. What is even the question here? You’re thirsty as fuck or this wouldn’t even be a topic of discussion. PM me and I’ll put you on some pussy.[/QUOTE]

Well, somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me…

Genuinely flattered I look like our true lord and saviour though.
Seriously though, I didn’t date for a few years to focus on what i want to do, have some fun, get career, settle down. Thought I’d found something here but things are looking bleak. I know people who’ve worked through worse, and was wondering if the rest of the bullies have had similar experiences.

5

[QUOTE=kimjonghng;3035794]Well, somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me…

Genuinely flattered I look like our true lord and saviour though.
Seriously though, I didn’t date for a few years to focus on what i want to do, have some fun, get career, settle down. Thought I’d found something here but things are looking bleak. I know people who’ve worked through worse, and was wondering if the rest of the bullies have had similar experiences.[/QUOTE]

You don’t need someone to tell you similar stories about their own dating catastrophes. If you just want story time, Battlefields can help you out there. What you need is somebody to give you some solid advice. I got you, fam.

This bitch is crazy and she doesn’t respect you. She isn’t willing to flex. She doesn’t give a fuck about what you think. She thinks you’re her bitch. Furthermore, she doesn’t give a fuck if you stay or go. What is confusing about this? Move on, little homie. Trust me. Trust. Me.

6

Also, be aware, when you tell her to fuck off there’s a good chance she’ll change her tune and start kissing your ass. This is because you finally demonstrated that you have some balls, and she’ll find that attractive.

One of the main reasons she’s not attracted to you now is that you show way too much weakness. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but you need to think about how you’re carrying yourself, how you’re presenting yourself, and how much bullshit you’re tolerating from women. Nothing will dry a woman up faster than a man who lets her run all over him. Harden the fuck up.

Anyway, she may soften up and start actually chasing you when you show some nuts. Don’t fall for it. Walk away. This woman is mentally ill, as you’ve already said.

Respect yourself. I’m giving you good advice and it’s the same advice I’d give my son or my best friend. You’ve got to grow some balls and stop acting like you’re lucky to even be in the general vicinity of a vagina.

7

No sex ever, no offspring, she went to college but doesn’t want to work, no family and I’ll bet she wants you to move to some rural part of the country where it’ll be half of impossible to make a decent wage.

Look, man. This doesn’t sound like it ends well. It really sounds like she wants to latch onto someone for shelter, emotional support, escape from her parents and a plan not to give a single thing back.

That’s not a good look in a prospective mate.

8

I would agree with the above -erhrm- gentlemen, although in a kinder and gentler way.

From your description, this relationship is doomed: she wants things you won’t give up, and you want things she won’t give up. Y’all aren’t going to make it very far, like that, so it’s better to cut and run early. You’ll end up the better for it, I suspect. It’s going to suck, short term, but wounds like this do heal.

9

Run away and do not look back.

Seriously…

10

[QUOTE=submessenger;3035806]I would agree with the above -erhrm- gentlemen, although in a kinder and gentler way.

From your description, this relationship is doomed: she wants things you won’t give up, and you want things she won’t give up. Y’all aren’t going to make it very far, like that, so it’s better to cut and run early. You’ll end up the better for it, I suspect. It’s going to suck, short term, but wounds like this do heal.[/QUOTE]

good break up line

11

[QUOTE=BKR;3035808]Run away and do not look back.

Seriously…[/QUOTE]

^THIS^

SERIOUSLY

12

[QUOTE=hungryjoe;3035810]^THIS^

SERIOUSLY[/QUOTE]

Yeah, Kim.

You seem a young’un with a great big heart. And I’m not exactly a mean type of guy now that I’m a little older. I’m an older, gentler stupid redneck. My wife is mean enough for the both of us anyways. That’s how she needed to be to flourish in her environment. It takes a lot of hard work for people to get along in a mutually loving and respectful relationship when the years become decades.

Both have got to really be dedicated to the interests and happiness of your respective spouses.

Here’s what’s going to happen if you try that “open relationship” thing with this one.

You’re going to bring someone home and she’s going to throw a mighty fit because she has social anxiety and doesn’t want this stranger in her house.

Then she’s going to frame you as the bad guy because how dare you bring another woman to her home.

Then you’re going to be the bad guy. You’re going to stay in an emotional debt to her because she doesn’t see anything wrong with making these demands in the first place. Once you agree to any of it, she’s not going to feel guilty about stripping you of your personal happiness.

Don’t do this, son.

It’s just going to be a whole lot of heartbreak and misery. You can’t save everyone from themselves. Also, the only way for you to stay in the states is with citizenship or a greencard at minimum and if you don’t already have it that means marriage, money on filing fees, years of twisting in the wind in legal limbo while she doesn’t work and you take on the responsibility for her bills.

How the hell would she even sponsor you? Her parents would have to make up the difference, I guess, and if they forced her to move home then it sounds like they aren’t interested in interlopers and won’t be satisfied unless they have total control over you as well.

If you threaten their control, they are going to sabotage you. They didn’t care about her happiness enough to let her stay, so it doesn’t sound like they’re going to give two rotten shits about yours.

I could be wrong about that but you’re going to have to make all the sacrifices, take all of the risks and in exchange give up control over your life to what sound like semi-neurotic strangers.

Have you offered to pay her bills to live with you? If so and she said no, then how are her parents stopping her from coming out?

And if they have that much control over her, then how do you expect to compete with that if you give them the home court advantage?

Take an inventory of what you want out of your life and if this doesn’t fit that, just don’t do it.

13

[QUOTE=Dung Beatles;3035812]Yeah, Kim.

You seem a young’un with a great big heart. And I’m not exactly a mean type of guy now that I’m a little older. I’m an older, gentler stupid redneck. My wife is mean enough for the both of us anyways. That’s how she needed to be to flourish in her environment. It takes a lot of hard work for people to get along in a mutually loving and respectful relationship when the years become decades.

Both have got to really be dedicated to the interests and happiness of your respective spouses.

Here’s what’s going to happen if you try that “open relationship” thing with this one.

You’re going to bring someone home and she’s going to throw a mighty fit because she has social anxiety and doesn’t want this stranger in her house.

Then she’s going to frame you as the bad guy because how dare you bring another woman to her home.

Then you’re going to be the bad guy. You’re going to stay in an emotional debt to her because she doesn’t see anything wrong with making these demands in the first place. Once you agree to any of it, she’s not going to feel guilty about stripping you of your personal happiness.

Don’t do this, son.

It’s just going to be a whole lot of heartbreak and misery. You can’t save everyone from themselves. Also, the only way for you to stay in the states is with citizenship or a greencard at minimum and if you don’t already have it that means marriage, money on filing fees, years of twisting in the wind in legal limbo while she doesn’t work and you take on the responsibility for her bills.

How the hell would she even sponsor you? Her parents would have to make up the difference, I guess, and if they forced her to move home then it sounds like they aren’t interested in interlopers and won’t be satisfied unless they have total control over you as well.

If you threaten their control, they are going to sabotage you. They didn’t care about her happiness enough to let her stay, so it doesn’t sound like they’re going to give two rotten shits about yours.

I could be wrong about that but you’re going to have to make all the sacrifices, take all of the risks and in exchange give up control over your life to what sound like semi-neurotic strangers.

Have you offered to pay her bills to live with you? If so and she said no, then how are her parents stopping her from coming out?

And if they have that much control over her, then how do you expect to compete with that if you give them the home court advantage?

Take an inventory of what you want out of your life and if this doesn’t fit that, just don’t do it.[/QUOTE]

I have a bad habit from my own family environment and how i was treated of assuming putting my foot down means Im being unreasonable and end up doubting the validity of my own stance, so in a lot of ways this is refreshing to read others telling me what my guts saying too.

Cheers fellas

14

[QUOTE=Dung Beatles;3035812]Yeah, Kim.

You seem a young’un with a great big heart. And I’m not exactly a mean type of guy now that I’m a little older. I’m an older, gentler stupid redneck. My wife is mean enough for the both of us anyways. That’s how she needed to be to flourish in her environment. It takes a lot of hard work for people to get along in a mutually loving and respectful relationship when the years become decades.

Both have got to really be dedicated to the interests and happiness of your respective spouses.

Here’s what’s going to happen if you try that “open relationship” thing with this one.

You’re going to bring someone home and she’s going to throw a mighty fit because she has social anxiety and doesn’t want this stranger in her house.

Then she’s going to frame you as the bad guy because how dare you bring another woman to her home.

Then you’re going to be the bad guy. You’re going to stay in an emotional debt to her because she doesn’t see anything wrong with making these demands in the first place. Once you agree to any of it, she’s not going to feel guilty about stripping you of your personal happiness.

Don’t do this, son.

It’s just going to be a whole lot of heartbreak and misery. You can’t save everyone from themselves. Also, the only way for you to stay in the states is with citizenship or a greencard at minimum and if you don’t already have it that means marriage, money on filing fees, years of twisting in the wind in legal limbo while she doesn’t work and you take on the responsibility for her bills.

How the hell would she even sponsor you? Her parents would have to make up the difference, I guess, and if they forced her to move home then it sounds like they aren’t interested in interlopers and won’t be satisfied unless they have total control over you as well.

If you threaten their control, they are going to sabotage you. They didn’t care about her happiness enough to let her stay, so it doesn’t sound like they’re going to give two rotten shits about yours.

I could be wrong about that but you’re going to have to make all the sacrifices, take all of the risks and in exchange give up control over your life to what sound like semi-neurotic strangers.

Have you offered to pay her bills to live with you? If so and she said no, then how are her parents stopping her from coming out?

And if they have that much control over her, then how do you expect to compete with that if you give them the home court advantage?

Take an inventory of what you want out of your life and if this doesn’t fit that, just don’t do it.[/QUOTE]

Dude, that is basically some Nightmare on Elm Street type relationship.

Kim: don’t listen to any of these heartless faggots. She’s your soulmate, your one and only. Drop all the plans in your life and go spend the rest of it in her parents’ kennel where you can enjoy her second hand smoke.

15

[QUOTE=kimjonghng;3035838]I have a bad habit from my own family environment and how i was treated of assuming putting my foot down means Im being unreasonable and end up doubting the validity of my own stance, so in a lot of ways this is refreshing to read others telling me what my guts saying too.

Cheers fellas[/QUOTE]

A partner is going to fight to be with you. They are going to change for you, because they want to be with you and make you happy. Also they have sex with you.

Be her friend if you want, that sounds like all she is capable of with you. But yeah, none of those things your op mentioned are good. I mean, besides companionship, what the hell would you get out of that relationship? Do you think the inclination to “save” someone is at play?

16

[QUOTE=hungryjoe;3035810]^THIS^

SERIOUSLY[/QUOTE]

Yeh, being married to someone who is bi-polar is a very significant challenge in the best of circumstances, with all the other negatives, there is no way you should attempt this. Instead give her Devil’s phone number :slight_smile:

17

Complete collapse of my world…melodramatic much?

18

[QUOTE=kimjonghng;3035790]Ok, so as some of you know in the last few months I got back involved with someone I dated at uni, we only split because her family dragged her back to the states to push her into the air force (didnt work, BPD got in the way). Now, she’s wanting us to be talking about marriage and shit, and that’s cool for down the line, but I’m starting to think this might be getting a bit one sided.

She basically wants a sexless, childless marriage, where i give up my life here to move to the USA with her. She’s offered to make it an open thing, which is generous of her (though Im actually very strictly interested in her exclusively so it seems pointless), but Im not cool with leaving here. Main reason being is I have a life here, and not to be rude, shes lived a nomadic life without settling anywhere, so going to the states she wouldn’t have a life to go back to either (especially with the friction between her and her parents over her being Bi and not following the family traditions of joining the forces). I know some of this could be mental health based stuff but it seems like a pretty one sided deal to me. I know its early days and maybe I shouldn’t think too hard on it, but when I try to negotiate with her on this and she just goes ‘no’ and tries to shut down any communication on any of the matters I’ve talked about. Not even in a ‘now’ sort of way, Im talking down the line if ever.

And lets not even start on the ‘I have anxiety so I don’t think I can hold a job, therefore I wont try.’ That’s literally a huge blow to a livelihood together.

I know she’s got a lot going on and she has mental health concerns, and this is her first actual relationship, but I’m feeling like I could end up unhappy if this remains the stance. I’m going to keep trying to talk to her, but is any of this looking red flag to anyone or is it just me? I mean, I could be thinking very hard about not wasting my time, given the complete collapse of my world as i know it, from recent events, and I might just be overthinking it and being unreasonable myself?

One of my big turn offs with this has been that despite knowing my current situation she’s not taking any action to address her smoking habit (and its about 4 packs a week from my count of her being here last).[/QUOTE]

Hmm… this sounds like a set up for emotional trauma and abuse to me. There are a couple of HUGE red flags here.

  1. If she can’t handle the anxiety of a job, then there is no WAY she can handle the responsibilities of a full time adult relationship.
  2. If she isn’t going to be helping to pay the bills or having sex with you, then what the fuck are you getting out of the deal. Unequal social economies are a breeding ground for resentment that leads to abuse from one side or the other.
  3. Mental health issues are difficult at the best of times, and in order to reasonably hope to enter in to a relationship that is semi-healthy, she is going to have to get a handle on this. Entering in to a clusterfuck with you is not going to help with that.
  4. A lack of familial support for her choices COULD mean that her family are terrible, but it could also mean that she has a history of terrible choices. Given what you have told us about her, I am going with option 2.
  5. Smoking is an addiction. That isn’t going anywhere anytime soon with her other mental health issues. At least not until she gets those under control enough to be on a stable and controlled treatment protocol that can be adjusted as needed. Quitting smoking effects dosing of mental health medications among other things.
    If this bothers you, you should run away now as it isn’t going to change any time soon.

Overall, it sounds like she needs professional help and support before she is in a place in her life to BE in a relationship.
Do you want a GF/wife or do you want a live-in therapy patient that you have to pay for and will be sleeping with other guys the whole time?
Decisions… decisions…
Good luck, but if it were me, I would probably run far in the other direction. However when I was younger, I did NOT do that, and have some scars to show for it.
Maybe you are just after your own set of cool but invisible emotional scars?

19

When you’re in a fucked up relationship, its hard to see it. Its probably happened to most of us. So, heed the word of like everyone here: just move on. Best case scenario you put in a bunch of work for a mediocre relationship. If you’re gonna put in a bunch of work, do it for someone you think “fuck yeah!” about, not someone you think “I guess” about.

20

Fuck no. Don’t do this shit to yourself.
You need a wife not a parasite.
My baby mama is BPD. She treats our kid like dirt. She treats everyone like dirt. And for all the hatred and bile she spews she doesn’t understand how violence and abuse is antisocial​, harmful and alienating. Whatever she did​ is either your fault or denied pathologically in spite of hard evidence.
She interfered with five of my jobs (showing up onsite to cause a scene or calling throughout the shift to harass coworkers) and got us kicked out of five different living situations.
Every tragedy that has befallen our lives started with her having some crazy impulsive notion.
You can stay right where you are and find a psycho bitch that will treat you like shit and fuck up your life.